« The Three Rules of Monty-Fu »

Hot blond studies Dalton's philosophy in Road House.

By Ms. Monty

You know, when FUQers come to me and say "OH WISE ONE, how will I ever go on?" I like to channel the sage words of the wisest movie bouncer of them all: the feather-haired Great And Powerful Dalton from Road House:

All you have to do is follow three simple rules:

1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.

Basically that means strike first, strike hard, no mercy.

Oh wait, that's a-whole-nother movie.

I know you're saying to yourselves right now, how can you expect the unexpected? If you EXPECT everything, then by definition the unexpected becomes the expected and then the unexpected no longer exists.

It's a whole Zen thing. Don't try to understand it, it's for professionals only.

2. Take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary.

Why? Outside is fresh air. Also cars that you can hide behind. Or possibly hotwire in order to make your escape.

Never fight when you can run away. Seriously.

Pain is way overrated and should be avoided. Also the spilling of your own blood. Ewwwww.

The only thing that should be started in the bar is a tab.

3. Be nice...until it's time to not be nice.

That's right, just keep smiling. Personally when someone is really pissed at me, I find it's VERY effective to smile really big and warmly say "Hey, have a nice day!" For some reason this infuriates the person even more, which is awesome.

At that point you refer to rule #2 and take it outside. Hope you left your car doors unlocked so you can get away quick.

And anytime some guy calls your mama a whore, remind him that hey, his dad had to get laid SOMEHOW.

---------

When not writing Monty-Fu for this comedy blog. Ms. Monty delivers the funny on Twitter, the Daily Bitch, and on MPYR Radio Fridays at 10pm EST.

See also Andy Dick vs. Clay Aiken.