Simon Cowell owns puppies that are worth more than my life. And possibly yours. The American Idol judge/executive producer did not become one of the richest men in human history by accident.

No, Simon had a plan. Step one was creating his signature style: the tight T-shirt-for-dudes look, also known as The Moobs. And the rest has been history.

I would reveal more of the plan, but, frankly, I don't know anymore. If I did, yours truly would not be spending his days writing about pop culture, life's foibles and chicks with enormous racks. Nor would he be spending his nights chasing tail at sketchy hotel bars. And hopefully scoring said tail. One day. Knock on wood.

I'll let you in on the rest of Simon Cowell's recipe for riches as soon as Simon's people contact my people.

See also Kara vs. Paula and Clay Goes Straight.