« My Top 10 Favorite Words for Boobs »

Boobs.

I love 'em, you love 'em, we all love 'em; whether you got 'em yourself, admire them from afar or occasionally even grab hold of 'em for yourself.

Below are my 10 favorite words for breasts, including a shocking 10th place finisher.

1. Boobs Well, clearly this one is somewhat predictable. But let us not turn our noses up at this longtime fan favorite. Much like boobs themselves, the word "boob" is one that everyone can, does and, well, should all use proudly in all manner of social occasions, from beach parties and beer bashes to weddings and funerals. Boobs was the logical choice for #1.

These are the first-ever groupie boob photos sent to yours truly.

2. Titties Now titties is likely a far more controversial choice. For quite personal reasons, which I shall never share, I have never been a big fan of the word "tits," much less "titties." Okay, what the hell, here's why: an ex-girlfriend once told a mutual friend that I had "put my mouth on her tits." For weeks after this disclosure I was constantly asked by friends, "So dude, where's your mouth?" And then they'd grab their chest and, oh yes, some would even squeeze their nipples. Now as you may have guessed, she was indeed in high school*. Which was legal in that particular state. Overall though, I must place "titties" in the #2 slot due to its popularity with everyone else. *Me too.

Paris Hilton has decent titties. She does not have a great rack.

3. Jugs The word "jugs" just sounds funny. And this, too, is a PG word so it allows one and all, but me especially, to make boob jokes when I'm hanging out with family members at reunions or wakes and such.

The bartender on the left told me her jugs were real. I believe her.

4. Hooters I have been to 11 different Hooters in five different states and the District of Columbia. And the girls really liked me each and every time and they would even squeeze 'em together when they brought the drinks and wings over. Yes, I am just that special.

Hooters, wings and beer, oh my.

5. Sideboobs Really, it's "sideboob," but call me elitist, it just sounds odd classifying a whole type of boob without adding an "S" at the end.

Much like Lindsay Lohan, boobs often look better from the side.

6. Rack This is often followed by "of lamb" or "of boobs" but it seems unnecessary in this instance. Rack is another family-friendly word that allows for cheap puns useful for making jokes around people who don't have all their mental faculties or to whom English is a second language.

Much like "skank," Pamela Anderson owns the copyright on "rack."

7. Melons Melons are a popular fruit in many cultures. They're round and juicy. And, yes, it is quite possible that I am paraphrasing or downright plagiarizing the words of the great philosopher, Meatloaf.

I have a newfound respect for India. One billion melons cannot be wrong.

8. Milkers While less well-known than the other terms on this list, "milkers" is, in fact, more biologically accurate and one likely used by scientists, biologists and farmhands the world over. As they'd say in Canada, "Milkers do the body good, eh?"

Dolly Parton's milkers are miraculously holding up quite well at age 63.

9. Bodacious Tatas Granted, this is two words, not one. However, the judge deemed an exception was in order given its instant memorability and aptness for describing particularly sassy, party-loving boobs. We have all been there or done that. And, if not, that is just wrong and should be fixed by our government, your buddies or someone legal post haste.

This is perhaps the most creative self-boob portrait in modern history.

And last but not least...

10. Moobs Ah, yes, I would hate for anyone to ever consider me a "sexist pig," a "dirty bastard," or a "chauvinist douchebag." Because that would not help me since my fanbase is apparently 70 percent female -- yes, I kid you not; hence, this one is for the ladies! Moobs, for those not paying attention to pop culture or William Shatner for the past 10 years -- okay, Shatner for 30 -- are man-boobs. They don't have to jiggle, but that sure helps, it seems. Many celebrities sport man-boobs, as seen below. Enjoy ladies and, well, who loves ya, baby?

The ladies love Jack Nicholson. And his Oscar-winning moobs.