Just a quick update from an undisclosed location where yours truly is pecking away at a public library, oops, computer.

Yes, Mike Doe's wonderful piece-of-crap-top, while not officially deceased, has started its slow inevitable decline to Abe Vigoda status.

First my computer got infected by evil adware when a certain unnamed intern, okay, it was Intern Bob, clicked a stupid pop-up ad promising relief from other evil viruses and such AND THEN my power supply died.

While I await a "new" power supply bought on eBay, woo hoo, I'll be in-and-out over the next few days. And not in the good way promoted by celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and other noted practitioners of The Motorboat.

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UPDATE: And, not to worry, I will soon have a wonderful Lindsay Lohan mugshot for this story as well as a few links to wonderful stories about Paris Hilton and other Motorboating chicks. Darn technology is stopping a brotha...for now!

UPDATE II: Power supply arrived July 25th...and it works! Hence the Lindsay Lohan mugshot you see above. Now if I could just get an Ali Lohan mugshot and this post would be complete!

Mr. Potato Head was the coolest toy back in the day. If you lived on a farm. In Idaho. Or so maintains a certain hotshot lawyer who shall remain nameless for the purposes of this post and her future political viability.

Nonetheless, and not saying that I disagree, but isn't the Mr. Potato Head kinda freaky? Especially for a young kid? I mean, look at that demonic mustache. And those wiry, devilish arms! And those freaky ears which can hear EVERYTHING?!

And don't get me started on the EVILS OF POTATOES.

If you're not sure about the point of this post, let me be crystal clear.

POTATOES ARE EVIL.

If you're still not convinced, I urge you to read about my scary groupie encounter at a potato buffet late last year. It'll get you off the spuds for good.

Despite what you may have read, written by me, I am actually a sensitive guy. In fact, I am so sensitive that my bitterness over various slights through the years, real, imagined or otherwise, have been cataloged by my brain in extensive detail.

The point, if any? Well, possibly there ain't none at all.

But then again, maybe there is a point to all this bullshit. At least I hope so because otherwise yours truly has been royally screwed, psychologically, financially, mentally and otherwise, by some seriously deranged yet normal-appearing people the past few years.

The lesson from all this?

Well, maybe I'm misinterpreting this, as is my way, and my proven documented record would tend to verify this, but...well, oh wait, what was I saying? Oh yes, the moral from this sordid story is:

Don't let someone piss on your head and tell you it's raining!

In other words, if it sounds or seems like bullshit, if people you know are telling you to be careful, then they -- your friends and your instincts -- are probably right.

Don't believe the hype. Don't buy into bullshit. The world's full of hustlers and scammers. Trust me, I know. And the ones who suckered me weren't even that smart! Which is kinda sad, but life is what it is.

Hopefully this will help somebody, somewhere. Knock on wood. And such.

One cat, two cat, three cat, four? Okay, you're fine.

But if you have five cats or more, then you are a crazy cat lady. Even if you were born a dude, you forfeited your masculine privileges when you brought home that fifth cat.

The Russian lady with 130 cats in this video is most definitely a crazy cat lady, times thirty. This video freaked me out. And I've seen horrible things in my youngish life, such as Saved by the Bell: The College Years and, lord, I apologize, Larry the Cable Guy.

In fact, I apologize for even showing you this freaky weird crazy cat lady video. But I felt it was necessary to reach out to society at large and especially to anyone who knows a potential crazy cat lady and, although there's only a slight chance that they could recognize their own craziness, a real, living, breathing crazy cat lady.

The message I want to share is this: Give those freaking cats away! If you are a friend, family member, neighbor, pet shop employee or cat doctor, call the animal cops! Do whatever it takes to save them and, more importantly, you and me and other non-weirdos from having to read about or see this crazy shit!

Cats are not goldfish. They can and will eat you when you croak, fall asleep before locking the door, or even if you don't give them tasty enough cat food. In 2007 alone, nearly 3,500 crazy cat ladies worldwide were eaten alive by their cats!

Please join this fight to save these crazy cat ladies from themselves...and their cats! And if not for them, do it for the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

UPDATE: Mike Doe loves cats! In fact, I once owned three cats and got along really well with two of them. Therefore, please direct any and all bitter hate mail to the comedy blog's correspondence director, Intern Bob, when we find him.

Super-sized fatass chicks are better in bed!

That's the shocking claim made by Elmira Cheeks, whose derriere is featured in the fatass photo above. Ms. Cheeks, a personal trainer at Curvey's, shocked fellow diners at the Big-Time Buffet with her bold claims, while on course #7 at the potato bar.

It was at the Big-Time Buffet that I talked to Cheeks.

ELMIRA CHEEKS: My heinie, or any 400-pound plus heinie, is better than the tiny buttocks you find on skinny women. I call them my 'money makers.'

MIKE DOE: You'd have to pay me a lot of money.

ELMIRA CHEEKS: Thank you, hon'. And every dude that's ever picked me up, oh, and they're have been plenty, just ask my husband, has told me the same thing.

MIKE DOE: Ouch. My back.

ELMIRA CHEEKS: No silly.

MIKE DOE: Damn, you got a fat ass?

ELMIRA CHEEKS: Besides that. They all say, 'It's really true what they say about fatass chicks. More cushion for the pushing.'

MIKE DOE: How romantic.

ELMIRA CHEEKS: Yeah, they're my sweethearts. Although they always seem to be losing my phone number.

MIKE DOE: No!

ELMIRA CHEEKS: It's okay though. My husband will sometimes pick up the slack.

MIKE DOE: But not you. Dear God.

After this exchange, Ms. Cheeks insisted on handing me her phone number, written on a mayonnaise-stained napkin, I hope. But, sad to say, I lost her number seconds later when the napkin slipped from my hand into the trash can.

Potatoes are good. They can be fried, boiled, mashed and molded into an endless variety of flavorable concoctions.

And this is exactly why potatoes are BAD. Very BAD. Potatoes must be STOPPED NOW. Whatever the cost. Or we shall all suffer the consequences!

Let's face it. Our country's growing fatter by the second. If you doubt it, open your eyes. See the big bellies and blubber-butts now found on 91 percent of Americans...and that's just the flight attendants.

And potatoes are the primary reason. Don't believe it? Just think about all the potato chips, french fries, mashed potatoes and freedom fries you've gorged on over the years. Ever find yourself in the middle of a late-night tofu binge? Super-sizing your house salad? No, of course not. That would be literally INSANE.

Unless you are Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, you likely are TOO FAT!

And who's to blame for this blubbery mess?

Well, it ain't me. And it probably ain't you.

POTATOES ARE TO BLAME.

Here are 11 reasons to stop eating potatoes, immediately!

1. Potatoes are chockfull of tasty yet unfulfilling carbs; you can (AND WILL) eat them forever and NEVER GET FULL!

2. Potatoes is difficult to spell; feeling dumb makes people EAT MORE!

3. Potatoes are often fried in fatty oils and vinegars; this leads to GREASY STAINS!

4. Potatoes are naturally dirty...REALLY DIRTY!

5. Potatoes taste particularly good with butter; butter is MILK GONE BAD!

6. Potatoes can be used to kill or maim. Don't believe it? Ask someone to throw a tuber at your melon from 10 feet away. Then we'll talk about this DEADLY KILLER!

7. Potatoes require cleaning which uses up valuable H2O...WATER THIEVERY!

8. Potatoes are grown in lush green fields that could better be used for cemetaries or COUNTRY CLUBS!

9. Potatoes taste BAD RAW!

10. Potatoes give people really fat asses; and this inevitably leads to TIGHT SPANDEX ON FAT CHICKS!

And, finally...

11. Potatoes are God's way of saying to poor people who would much rather be eating steak tartare or caviar...TOUGH TITTIES!