Life without philosophy is anarchy.

Anarchy without booze is depressing.

Depression leads to heavy drinking.

And the vicious cycle continues.

The point of all this is quite clear: Everyone needs a philosophy. A WAY. A path that will guide them to the promised land, so to speak.

As I mentioned previously, my master sensei, the screwed-up advice doctor, Mike Doe, uh, yeah, that's me, too, long story, had not long ago set me on a spiritual journey, a quest if you will: The Path of Joke-Fu.

Well, since taking Sensei's instruction to heart, many changes have taken place. Both at this comedy blog and in my innards. These include, drumroll please, the following new sections:

1. Joke-Fu: 488 insults and one-liners!*

2. Movie-Fu: 3 quickie movie reviews!*

3. Celebrity-Fu: 4 smartass posts on celebrities!*

4. Comic-Fu: 60 funny standup comedy videos!*

So far the response to these new sections has been really positive. From my mother. And others too! Check them out. Live the Fu!

So, on a deeper, more philosophical level, Mike Doe, what does this all mean?

Well, I am glad you asked.

Joke-Fu has taught me the importance of adding MORE CONTENT and delivering MORE FUNNY to MORE DOE-NUTS on a MORE REGULAR BASIS.

So then it hit me like a PIMP SLAPPING HIS HO: What better way to do this than through faster, quicker posts, aka The FU, that use my two main "talents":

1. My encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture gained through years of dedicated couch time;

2. My uncanny ability to provide instant wiseass commentary on anything, regardless of whether it's wanted or warranted.

And thus my new philosophy of blogging, of MikeDoe.net and, yes, possibly even my lifetime on this planet we call Earth was born:

The Fu-losophy of Mike Doe

Everything worth doing is worth doing instantly and quickly and prolifically and without too much thinking clogging up the works. This includes comedy. So make with the funny, motherfucker. The more, the merrier. Or be prepared for the life of the hobo. Follow the Fu, my friend. For it is your destiny.

*And then some!

No offense to the dog, but the PIG IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND.

Doubt it? Then clearly you have never eaten bacon.

Bacon...mmmm!

Besides being healthy and nutritious, bacon is quite delicious.

In my quest to sample the world's greatest bacon dishes and restaurants, I'd like to know...

What was your best bacon-related meal EVER?

Mr. Potato Head was the coolest toy back in the day. If you lived on a farm. In Idaho. Or so maintains a certain hotshot lawyer who shall remain nameless for the purposes of this post and her future political viability.

Nonetheless, and not saying that I disagree, but isn't the Mr. Potato Head kinda freaky? Especially for a young kid? I mean, look at that demonic mustache. And those wiry, devilish arms! And those freaky ears which can hear EVERYTHING?!

And don't get me started on the EVILS OF POTATOES.

If you're not sure about the point of this post, let me be crystal clear.

POTATOES ARE EVIL.

If you're still not convinced, I urge you to read about my scary groupie encounter at a potato buffet late last year. It'll get you off the spuds for good.

In life there are certain immutable laws of nature. These laws may be unfair, cruel, even ridiculous -- such as you are what you eat, or you gotta pay rent if you don't want to be kicked out -- but, irregardless of where you're from, your culture, creed, race, religion, yada yada, you violate these rules and you will pay the price.

And, shockingly but not surprisingly, it is often your friends and family who will be making sure you do. One such rule is...

NEVER EVER FALL ASLEEP FIRST WHEN DRINKING WITH FRIENDS!

History is filled with sad examples of what happens when you break this drinking commandment. Luckily, yours truly is blessed with the ability to not fall asleep when drinking, or at least to do so only behind locked doors. So far. Knock on wood.

Alas the blond hottie above violated the rule and one of her friends, most likely but not definitely a douchebag, made a buffoon of her.

So sad. So very sad.

And what about this dude below? He'll be lucky to ever find gainful employment again after his friends drew these wieners all over him.

Photo of drunken defiled dude by kayayusi.

This businessman clearly was let down by his friends. Or dropped onto the street. While he looks happy, clearly this photo will stop what was once a promising career in politics or mobile phone sales.

Future president's career destroyed. Photo by Rob_J_N.

However, let's end on a prettier note. Luckily this chick drunkenly crashed on her apartment floor rather than someplace else, where more people could draw crazy stuff on her and such.

Drunk sleepy hottie who broke the rule. Photo by miralemsmajic.

So what's the moral of this story? Well, it is NOT "don't stop drinking," for that would be a violation of everything we teach. But DO make sure at least one friend is drunker and sleepier than you. Otherwise, this photo below could be you! Or, worse, in bed next to you! Naked! Or in granny panties! Smoking a cigarette! Talking about going to brunch! Where your friends might see you! Or wanting to "PLAY IT BACK!"

"Yeah, do me again baby!"

Mobster Tony Soprano giving $100 bills to exotic dancers because he can.

Much like colorful track suits, slicked-back hairdos and cement overcoats, pinky rings are generally worn by individuals associated with organized crime.

Wearing a pinky ring has long been seen as a badge of honor for members of such gangs as La Cosa Nostra, aka the Mafia, aka the Mob, aka the Italian Stallions; the Bloods, aka Boyz in da Hood; the Crips, aka Snoop-Dogg's Homies; the Latin Kings, aka Los Vaqueros Locos de Villa Nuevos; and, most feared of all, the Hell's Angels, aka Satan's Homies.

In fact, for many hoodlums, getting one's first pinky ring is a rite of passage almost as important as killing one's first fool who looked at you funny and didn't give you no respect.

To commemorate this day, this comedy blog would like to throw our support behind National Pinky Ring Day. Please get involved however you can and be sure to let everyone you know about this important movement. We will be working closely with our gambling creditors, er, friends of ours, to make sure your cash donations are laundered, not squandered.

And in case you were wondering, the rumors, as per usual, are true: Flavor Flav will serve as National Pinky Ring Day Spokesman. Or else. After all the time and energy I've committed to this dude's career, it's high time Flavor started returning the favor. Boyyyyyyyyy.