No offense to the dog, but the PIG IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND.

Doubt it? Then clearly you have never eaten bacon.

Bacon...mmmm!

Besides being healthy and nutritious, bacon is quite delicious.

In my quest to sample the world's greatest bacon dishes and restaurants, I'd like to know...

What was your best bacon-related meal EVER?

In life there are certain immutable laws of nature. These laws may be unfair, cruel, even ridiculous -- such as you are what you eat, or you gotta pay rent if you don't want to be kicked out -- but, irregardless of where you're from, your culture, creed, race, religion, yada yada, you violate these rules and you will pay the price.

And, shockingly but not surprisingly, it is often your friends and family who will be making sure you do. One such rule is...

NEVER EVER FALL ASLEEP FIRST WHEN DRINKING WITH FRIENDS!

History is filled with sad examples of what happens when you break this drinking commandment. Luckily, yours truly is blessed with the ability to not fall asleep when drinking, or at least to do so only behind locked doors. So far. Knock on wood.

Alas the blond hottie above violated the rule and one of her friends, most likely but not definitely a douchebag, made a buffoon of her.

So sad. So very sad.

And what about this dude below? He'll be lucky to ever find gainful employment again after his friends drew these wieners all over him.

Photo of drunken defiled dude by kayayusi.

This businessman clearly was let down by his friends. Or dropped onto the street. While he looks happy, clearly this photo will stop what was once a promising career in politics or mobile phone sales.

Future president's career destroyed. Photo by Rob_J_N.

However, let's end on a prettier note. Luckily this chick drunkenly crashed on her apartment floor rather than someplace else, where more people could draw crazy stuff on her and such.

Drunk sleepy hottie who broke the rule. Photo by miralemsmajic.

So what's the moral of this story? Well, it is NOT "don't stop drinking," for that would be a violation of everything we teach. But DO make sure at least one friend is drunker and sleepier than you. Otherwise, this photo below could be you! Or, worse, in bed next to you! Naked! Or in granny panties! Smoking a cigarette! Talking about going to brunch! Where your friends might see you! Or wanting to "PLAY IT BACK!"

"Yeah, do me again baby!"

Photo of Bacon-Eating Beach Hotties by Chrissy Forte.

Why am I hungry for bacon all of the sudden?

Mmmm...BACON.

Seriously, this is not a gratuitous photo used for one reason and one reason only: to get you to read an extremely important, educational and, yes, even slightly scientific expose of why bacon is the ultimate health food.

Because that would be wrong!

However, if you'd like to be exposed to even more screwed-up advice, click here!

In our culture there are some acts so natural and so right in so many ways YET, bizarrely and sadly, so NOT discussed by anyone but the strangest of freaks or weirdos, or me, amongst polite company.

Yet, anyone who has ever tried said acts inevitably and immediately realize their greatness and vouch for them like they were vouching for Their Cousin Vinny.

The Motorboat is one such act. If you're not familiar with this deed, I urge you to watch Wedding Crashers for Vince Vaughn's excellent demonstration.

Soon, you too will be motorboating like nobody's business. If your partner is also a newbie to the ways of the motorboat, be sure to explain it to him or her. Remember, as Dr. Phil likes to say, "Shut up and buy my book." Or, as your screwed-up advice doctor, Mike Doe would put it, "Healthy relationships have lots of communication. And so should yours."

And if you don't have such a healthy relationship or partner, or even if you do, consider placing an ad on Craig's List. Your in-box will, no doubt, soon be filled with many, many classy responses.

And to answer the deeper existential question asked by this essay, "Is the Motorboat All It's Cracked Up to Be?"

I think we all know the answer to this question is "YES."

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UPDATE: In the interests of being less obscure and promoting The Motorboat worldwide, I have included the slightly altered Urban Dictionary definition below.

Motorboat - v. int. The act of pushing one's face in between two ample b**bs, and rocking one's head side to side very rapidly while making a vigorous, lip-vibrating "brrr" sound. - n. The sound produced when doing a motorboat.

Routines aren't really my bag, baby. And, yes, I apologize. Baby. However, there is one routine which makes my inner-struggle to get rolling each morning tolerable, even doable. Like my old friend-with-benefits Esther, but I'm not referring to tequila shots. And isn't FWB so much classier than FB, aka "Friend-Buddy?"

What I'm referring to, if the headline or the Juan Valdez photo didn't give it away, is my morning cup of coffee. Two to be exact. Add one cup of Coffee Mate and two bags of Sweet & Low and I'm juiced like Barry Bonds or the white dude who got away with the same thing, Roger Clemens.

Coffee gives me that sweet warm feeling right where it matters most: my innards. It's like Viagra for the rest of your body. Not that I've ever tried the little blue pill...not that there's anything wrong with it! But having been exposed to 57,785 spam emails, 13,004 TV commercials and a few hundred old guys at the mall walking around with wood, I feel comfortable stating what this drug does: annoy the hell out of old ladies.

Or in the case of Blue from Old School, it leads to oldsters mud-wrestling youngsters.

But I digress.

Coffee is indeed nature's wonder drug. Filled with precious caffeine, it makes me feel like doing lots of stuff. Like this coffee-guzzling cartoon dude below, only less shaky. At least in my mind.

So what does coffee do for you?

Scattered on my coffee table are two spiral notebooks, an "I Love New York" coffee mug, a glass half-filled with Diet Pepsi, a TV remote control, and eight pieces of paper filled top-to-bottom with notes, to-do lists, cartoon stick figures, and the various schemes and dreams I substitute for actual planning.

Why tell you all this?

Well, you can't listen to a self-help guru without being lectured about the importance of cleanliness and clutter, or the lack thereof. And I'm aspiring to provide some kind of help to someone, somewhere, and it seems getting my own act together might help a bit.

That's not to say I'm not not-clean, but my "work papers" are more cluttered than Paris Hilton's brain after a line in a nightclub bathroom.

I've tried in the past to declutter, which usually meant me scooping up all the papers, whispering "screw it" to myself and trashing said documents. This was generally followed by a sweet empty feeling in my brain, most likely like how Paris Hilton felt BEFORE her line AT the bathroom.

Sorry for the all-caps. Writing "wink-wink" seemed to lack gravity considering the subject: Paris Hilton breaking her "say no to drugs" pledge to CNN News Skeleton, Larry King.

But give it to me straight: am I alone on this? How do you keep your notes together, or do you even keep written notes and random to-do lists? And, in the interests of full disclosure, I also have a few, okay, exactly eight Microsoft Word documents with lots of notes, half-written stories, media and PR schemes, and whatnot in aid of my comedy blog and other funny stuff.

Whew, I'm too tired to write tighter, but Doe-Nuts, thanks for reading this far...and giving me great ideas which will hopefully unscrew up your friendly neighborhood, uh, me.