Life sucks. Then you die.

Yes, it's true. We all know it. Sad, cruel, bitter...this is life.

Chockfull of disappointment. Bitter, bitter disappointment. Unmet expectations. Unrealized dreams. Raw burgers. Uncrispy fries. Watered down drinks. Unfulfilling jobs. Girls, not born that way.

Yes, life can be cruel.

But once in awhile, something comes along that makes you believe, even but for 90 minutes, that perhaps there is something better. A reason for hope. That joy is possible. That life can be mo'...better.

The Simpsons Movie is just such an experience.

In the funniest, laugh-packed 90 minutes in cinematic history -- no joke -- The Simpsons Movie has exceeded even my ridiculously high expectations. It's a grand slam! 5 stars! Two thumbs up...way up!

I refuse to give anything away about the storyline. Just know that you MUST SEE THIS MOVIE THIS WEEKEND, today if possible. Do not wait! Go there now! See it!

As Wilford Brimley would say, "It's the right thing to do."

Only four hours until yours truly sees The Simpsons Movie and...

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it and I'm about to lose control and, uh...you know the rest. Sorry, I couldn't help but pay tribute to the Pointer Sisters. They were/are super fine.

And, as a tribute to another misunderstood genius with wacky hair, Sideshow Bob, we are running our first-ever crooked completely skewed legit poll here at Mike Doe.

So please vote early, vote often and help make movie history! (Update: My pollster says voting is allowed only once a day...damn legit polling technology!)

UPDATE: With 12,983 votes cast, it is not surprising that 80 percent of you named The Simpsons Movie as the best comedy of 2007; 68 percent as one of top 10 comedies of all time; and a remarkable 53 percent of you named it THE BEST COMEDY OF ALL TIME!

After many a few hours minutes of studying drink recipes, I realized inspiration was in order. So where better to turn than Cocktail, the classic Razzie-award winning movie about an up-and-coming New York City bartender, Young "Tom Cruise" Flanagan, and his older wiseass Australian mentor, Coughlin?

Cocktail is full of hot babes (Gina "Queen of the Hot Lesbian Scenes" Gershon and Kelly "Queen of the String Bikini" Lynch) and cold drinks. It's also full of good quotes that will hopefully impress some bar managers when I start applying for bartending gigs next week.

One line that should come in handy just about anytime...

Coughlin: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.

And this should help in dealing with happy and/or bitter drunks...

Coughlin: The Luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got.

This might be more obscure, but sure to win points with barflies and/or fellow employees...

Young Flanagan: Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool.

And, uh, barflies should like this one too:

Young Flanagan: Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, you life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.

Any other suggestions on booze-filled career-building movies I should check out? Let me know and I'll watch ASAP, or at least Netflix 'em. Thanks!

What I am confident will be the greatest comedy of the 21st Century, to date, opens Friday at theaters nationwide!

To prepare, I did my own Simpsons avatar at the official Simpsons Movie site. Basically you can choose everything from the biggies (gender, body type) to the smaller yet still important features such as nose, eyebrows and chin from many, many options. This looks almost exactly like me, if I were better looking...and a cartoon...and a little more yellow.

Another option is to "Simpsonize" yourself by uploading a photo and letting the site do the rest. I'll post that version of Mike Doe if/when I'm able to figure it.