Many moons ago I was probably like you. Sure, maybe I was shorter, taller, thinner or fatter, getting some more or maybe even getting some less, but in the essential element of life, we were the same.

We both had ambition. Mojo, if you will.

In fact, not so long ago, I had an idea which was so BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL that girls stared longingly at me just for thinking it. This idea was innovative, creative, audacious and bodacious.

But sadly, it was not to be.

What is or "was" this idea, you ask?

Simply put, I wanted to create a web site, nay, a MOVEMENT dedicated to one thing and one thing only: blaming every single problem in the world on Kevin Bacon.

Sadly, though, after an initial burst of energy, my inspiration collided with my lack of web design talent and, uh, lack of a trust fund.

Damn my poor-white-trashiness-slash-laziness!

So instead I forgot about this grand scheme. This "I Blame Kevin Bacon" movement was left in the trash heap of history...

UNTIL NOW!

So please enjoy the two installments of I Blame Kevin Bacon. And please remember: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Kevin Bacon is.

1. I Blame Kevin Bacon...for Millions of Boring Jokes About How White People Can't Dance

2. I Blame Kevin Bacon for Everything that Goes Wrong Today

And with that, this saga has officially run its course. Why, you ask?

I'm not exactly sure but...

I BLAME KEVIN BACON.

Today might just turn out to be a great day. Who knows? The sun is shining, more or less. And I got some food in the fridge and vodka in the freezer.

Then again, today might just suck. And who do I blame? Well, the same person that you should blame for your troubles, wherever, whenever and, hell, whoever they might be.

I BLAME KEVIN BACON.

Need proof? Just look at Kevin Bacon's hairdo in the above photo. Dudes with mullets would be embarrassed by his lamer locks. Fabio at this very moment is lowering his head in shame.

It's Kevin Bacon's fault, ALL OF IT. So go out today and go crazy-go-nuts! For today you get a free pass for any and all fuckups. 'Cause I'm telling you, and I repeat, it ain't your fault!

Just be sure to remember, when the bouncer at the bar, or the security guy at the mall, or the local po-po ask you what the hell you were thinking, all you need to do is say...

I BLAME KEVIN BACON.

And you're free*. It's that easy. For today only.

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*Might not work in your area. Please check with your local authority figures. Also, the folks at MikeDoe.net will not be held legally liable for any shenanigans inspired by this post, even though it's the right thing to do. Mike Doe takes responsibility for nothing, as is his way.

Kevin Bacon. Actor. Dancer. Wannabe rockstar. Husband to The Closer chick, Kyra Sedgwick. Doer of many deeds, good, bad and, yes, EVIL.

But I do not blame Kevin Bacon for all of this.

Oh wait, yes, I do.

Here's why I BLAME KEVIN BACON right now. And so should you.

Kevin Bacon starred in FOOTLOOSE, perhaps the corniest film of the 1980s, one which made permanent the notion that WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE.

This in turn has led to tens of millions of unfunny jokes. Literally billions of people believe this sterotype...all because of, yes, Kevin Bacon.

MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dudes, and some chicks, have never gotten laid because they couldn't work past their Kevin Bacon-induced phobia of dancing, get on the dance floor, and start working the bump-and-grind on someone, the surest way to score in the minds of such renowned experts as Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Paris Hilton, that one slutty girl from Real World, and comedian-slash-background dancer, Mike Doe.

Humankind has suffered enough. White dudes have suffered enough. Hell we've all suffered enough. Consider the following:

Millions of eyes have been rolled at the same tired-ass, lamer-than-Carrot Top "white people can't dance" jokes, as every fucking party with at least three white people in the last 25 years has included at least one person deliberately busting some corny "white" dance moves, telling the same tired jokes and, last but not least, doing the "white man's overbite."

Please, people, comedians, wannabe jokers, rich people and poor, black people and white, everyone, can we not agree to put this tired subject to rest?

EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE: The Elaine Dance from Seinfeld will always be funny; alas, the exception does not outweigh the approximate 3 to 5 million lame jokes each year. "Sweet Fancy Moses!"

To recap: dancing is fun. Even if you're not that good at it, dancing has been scientifically proven to increase your odds of getting laid on a regular basis. Plus it's a good way to burn off those beer and vodka calories, which means you can drink even more.

For these and many more reasons that space does not permit...

I BLAME KEVIN BACON.

If you still feel some sympathy for Kevin Bacon, or think he's just been misunderstood, then be sure to watch the video below. Everyone else, please skip past the video. The dance sequences will be difficult to remove from your head. You've been warned.

Doe-Nuts, commence blaming Kevin Bacon with righteous vengeance. And please follow the appropriate proprietries by starting your comment with "I BLAME KEVIN BACON..." The all-caps lets everyone know you're serious.