Sometimes life can bitch-slap you upside the head. It can be both embarrassing and painful, and you end up losing all your hard-earned twenties to boot!

But then there are days like today. More specifically: 4:23 a.m. At this exact time an email arrived with our FIRST-EVER GROUPIE BOOB PHOTO, as seen above!

Yes, as you might suspect, I am a happy comedy blogger. The thousands of hours spent blogging and Twittering and Stumbling and drinking and not being employed has finally paid off...two times!

Surprisingly, the boob photo did NOT come from some of my favorite Doe-Nuts, most notably aka_monty and FabGirl, despite my constant praises of their respective racks.

Speaking of which, this song below is dedicated to all the ladies -- and, yes, this is being said out loud in my best Don Cornelius-on-Soul Train voice -- and their wonderful, wonderful racks.

So is this a sign that this humor blog has "arrived?" Or am I delusional? About this, I mean.

More importantly, should I expect more photos? (Hint, Hint!) Feel free to email me for any reason, but be sure to write something Doe-related on any photos.*

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* "I Love Mike Doe!"

* "I'm a Doe-Nut!"

* "In Your Dreams, Doe!"

* Only if you're of legal age...

* ...and a chick!

Natalie Portman is a badass celebrity hottie. Okay, there I said it.

As some Doe-Nuts will attest, I tend to focus my dating efforts on non-celebrities. Usually this includes me slurring out one or all of the following one-liners:

1. Hey, what's your name?

2. Ain't this place great?

3. Your Dad's a thief. Pay up.

Or the coup de grace:

4-10. So we gonna do it?

But I digress. And it's less excusable than usual for we have on this post, before our very eyes, the loveliness that is Natalie Portman.

Yes, the chick from Star Wars.

And, yes, I know, Holy Shit, Mike Doe!

Holy Shit, indeed.

Natalie Portman has great knockers.

Holy shit, man! You can see Natalie Portman's b**bs!

Natalie Portman strikes a classy pose, bitches.

Yes, I need to grow up. But damn.

For more Natalie Portman groupie action, click here.

And just because it is hilarious and I'd hate for anyone not to watch it, even if you've already seen it 20 times like me: the Natalie Portman gangsta rap video from Saturday Night Live.

In life there are certain immutable laws of nature. These laws may be unfair, cruel, even ridiculous -- such as you are what you eat, or you gotta pay rent if you don't want to be kicked out -- but, irregardless of where you're from, your culture, creed, race, religion, yada yada, you violate these rules and you will pay the price.

And, shockingly but not surprisingly, it is often your friends and family who will be making sure you do. One such rule is...

NEVER EVER FALL ASLEEP FIRST WHEN DRINKING WITH FRIENDS!

History is filled with sad examples of what happens when you break this drinking commandment. Luckily, yours truly is blessed with the ability to not fall asleep when drinking, or at least to do so only behind locked doors. So far. Knock on wood.

Alas the blond hottie above violated the rule and one of her friends, most likely but not definitely a douchebag, made a buffoon of her.

So sad. So very sad.

And what about this dude below? He'll be lucky to ever find gainful employment again after his friends drew these wieners all over him.

Photo of drunken defiled dude by kayayusi.

This businessman clearly was let down by his friends. Or dropped onto the street. While he looks happy, clearly this photo will stop what was once a promising career in politics or mobile phone sales.

Future president's career destroyed. Photo by Rob_J_N.

However, let's end on a prettier note. Luckily this chick drunkenly crashed on her apartment floor rather than someplace else, where more people could draw crazy stuff on her and such.

Drunk sleepy hottie who broke the rule. Photo by miralemsmajic.

So what's the moral of this story? Well, it is NOT "don't stop drinking," for that would be a violation of everything we teach. But DO make sure at least one friend is drunker and sleepier than you. Otherwise, this photo below could be you! Or, worse, in bed next to you! Naked! Or in granny panties! Smoking a cigarette! Talking about going to brunch! Where your friends might see you! Or wanting to "PLAY IT BACK!"

"Yeah, do me again baby!"

Comedian Sarah Silverman is lewd, crude and not a dude. She's been around the block and banged at least two A-List celebrities, according to her. Sure, she's funny. But that's not the point of this post and the series of posts which will follow from here until eternity.

The point is this: Sarah Silverman has a helluva rack.

Need proof? Well, just mosey your eyes upward.

Still not convinced? Well, stop drinking the hate-her-rack-erade and mosey your eyes downward.

Perhaps a still photo doesn't do it for you, what with all the digital tomfoolery with celebrity photos these days? Well, as a somewhat paranoid screwed-up advice doctor, I can't say that I blame you.

So GO SEE 'EM in living color and jiggling about, allegedly, in these three videos below and learn what happens when...

CELEBRITIES GO WILD!

1. Inside story on why Sarah Silverman is NOT Banging Ben Affleck!

2. Video with somebody Fucking Matt Damon AND Her Name Ain't Sara Silverman!

3. Video proof that Sarah Silverman's "boyfriend" Jimmy Kimmel Is Banging Ben Affleck, and vice versa!

And last but not least. The closing argument for the great rack debate of '08:

Photo of Bacon-Eating Beach Hotties by Chrissy Forte.

Why am I hungry for bacon all of the sudden?

Mmmm...BACON.

Seriously, this is not a gratuitous photo used for one reason and one reason only: to get you to read an extremely important, educational and, yes, even slightly scientific expose of why bacon is the ultimate health food.

Because that would be wrong!

However, if you'd like to be exposed to even more screwed-up advice, click here!

In our culture there are some acts so natural and so right in so many ways YET, bizarrely and sadly, so NOT discussed by anyone but the strangest of freaks or weirdos, or me, amongst polite company.

Yet, anyone who has ever tried said acts inevitably and immediately realize their greatness and vouch for them like they were vouching for Their Cousin Vinny.

The Motorboat is one such act. If you're not familiar with this deed, I urge you to watch Wedding Crashers for Vince Vaughn's excellent demonstration.

Soon, you too will be motorboating like nobody's business. If your partner is also a newbie to the ways of the motorboat, be sure to explain it to him or her. Remember, as Dr. Phil likes to say, "Shut up and buy my book." Or, as your screwed-up advice doctor, Mike Doe would put it, "Healthy relationships have lots of communication. And so should yours."

And if you don't have such a healthy relationship or partner, or even if you do, consider placing an ad on Craig's List. Your in-box will, no doubt, soon be filled with many, many classy responses.

And to answer the deeper existential question asked by this essay, "Is the Motorboat All It's Cracked Up to Be?"

I think we all know the answer to this question is "YES."

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UPDATE: In the interests of being less obscure and promoting The Motorboat worldwide, I have included the slightly altered Urban Dictionary definition below.

Motorboat - v. int. The act of pushing one's face in between two ample b**bs, and rocking one's head side to side very rapidly while making a vigorous, lip-vibrating "brrr" sound. - n. The sound produced when doing a motorboat.