Doe-Nuts will help you win. No matter what your game, Doe-Nuts will guarantee that victory shall be yours.

In the above video, John Belushi endorsed Doe-Nuts so, in a way, John Belushi endorsed Mike Doe, allegedly. And, darn it, this makes him our second celebrity endorser, after Homer Simpson.

Eat up, Doe-Nuts! It's the right thing to do.

And special thanks to super-sexy female Doe-Nut, Shylie743, for bringing the John Belushi endorsement to my attention. And, yes, this is the same Shylie743 who will soon be appearing at our upcoming mud-wrestling extravaganza.

There are many things that I am good at.

Okay, a few things.

For instance, my grammar is relatively decent, which makes my constant rule-breaking less excusable, if you think about it, but hey, rules are for fools! The true credit for this, though, belongs to Ms. Clark, my teacher from the second grade. Did you know Ms. Clark had a giant toy Clark bar above her desk? And she insisted we call her Ms., which made her kind of a badass.

And, no, we did not GET BUSY! You weirdos!

Another thing I do well, believe it or not, is play basketball. Yes, I once dunked a basketball. And that's not easy for someone who is 6'2". Uh, well, it wasn't easy for me so BACK OFF! Sorry, that's funnier if you scream it Adam Sandler-style.

My other talent is clowning and that's without having gone to college. For clowns.

Yes, clearly these talents have made me the man I am today: broke and semi-delusional. If you need proof, just look to your right. Yes, that dude is really me and that goofball pose was really my idea.

And the photo has stayed up, maybe because I'm not a designer or in touch with reality, despite the fact that 53 percent of new visitors say, "Who the hell is that...?" followed by the words "lunatic" or "weirdo" or, sadly, "douchebag," or no doubt would if we actually asked them.

Nonetheless, through semi-regular comedy posting and semi-regular Twitter and StumbleUpon pimping, or what I tell myself is "working on my comedy career," MikeDoe.net has developed a semi-regular, somewhat decent-sized audience of some pretty damn funny, cool fans, aka the Doe-Nuts.

By now you are surely convinced that I am, in fact, the one who is Doe-Nuts. If not, what's it going to take? Just read my unauthorized autobiography if you still have any doubts. Coming soon to a store near you.

Irregardless, as the headline would lead you to believe, I have made zero efforts thus far to, as some internet marketing douchebag might say, "MONETIZE this baby," with ads or affiliate deals or celebrity endorsements. Not a one!

You might be asking, "Mike, is it because you want to protect the purity of your lovely comedy blog?"

I'd like to say YES, but that's not it. Sorry.

Nope, it's more that I literally have NOT a clue as to the best way to do it. What I do know is what I don't want: one of those lamer sites crowded with cheeseball ads for crap that I do not support. Like charities or erectile dysfunction.

With those loose guidelines, I am throwing myself on the mercy of the court. As I've come to realize over the past few months, most of you, okay, all of you except for the one nutjob supposedly from Puxatawney, Pa., (no offense, dude) are, in fact, smarter than me. At least in the ways of life, business, relationships, and other such trivialities.

I am hoping there are some business types playing at home who can help me figure this crap out. I am not as delusional or clueless as this site might lead you to believe. Did I just call myself a liar? Maybe I am, but what the hell, it takes all types, right?

So please share your ideas for helping me start making some moolah. Do this and I will be one grateful mofo. Not only that, I will glady and happily and otherwise gleefully pimp the hell out of your site on mine, link to you left and right, and promote you on Twitter and StumbleUpon, all to the entire Doe-Nation.

In fact, you name it and if it's not too weird or too illegal, I'll probably do it. As long as it doesn't require me forking out non-existent cash, at least for now, then I am ready, willing and able to just do it. And so will Intern Bob. Someday.

As for the promotion crap, I'm actually semi-good at it so you might get some benefit from your good deed. Allegedly.

Feel free to email me too. Thank you for helping me bring home the bacon! The good kind, not the blameworthy Kevin Bacon.

Believe it or not, I actually went to an accredited college -- and no, not a clown college -- for a few years at least. However, since then, my lifelong learning has been put aside somewhat, okay, completely, to pursue my true callings: cheap wine, foxy ladies, cheap beer, willing ladies and, uh, lordy, I need to get a life.

Anyway, here's some education for you AND me in our brand spanking new feature at this comedy blog: THIS DAY IN HISTORY. And as the headline indicates, we cannot and will not be held accountable for what happened in 1881. That year was just so full of crap.

This Day in History: April 17...Every Year But 1881*

* Coca-Cola was invented by a man named John Crapper.

* Red Red Wine by UB40 was the #1 single on the U.S. pop charts.

* Comedian Mike Doe told a joke to a stranger in an elevator.

* Busta Rhymes made a crazy face while rapping AND the crowd went wild.

* Paris Hilton groped Britney Spears' you-know-what'ems.

* Abe Vigoda LIVED!

* The following Doe-Nuts were found guilty of keeping it as real as a heart attack: Shylie743 - tombreeves - Kimonostereo - Peety - Phibble - Corwin - webword - MTLB - DeeJay - scorpy01 - TexasDave777 - gparrish44 - akaMonty - mousewords - randomnicole - NLJ

* Any and all factual errors are the fault of my Intern Bob, or the lack thereof.

Running this comedy blog has brought me fame, fortune and, most importantly, some cool new friends.

Okay, well, one out of three ain't bad!

One of my new online friends is Christina Warren, aka @film_girl in the world of Twitter. To describe Christina as a film fanatic is a bit of an understatement. I've always enjoyed and look for her comments at MikeDoe.net whenever we post on pop culture and movies.

What can I say about Christina? She is a smart, funny and highly opinionated blogger and podcaster with her hands in many cookie jars. Oh yeah, she's pretty much a hottie...not that I noticed or anything!

Christina is auditioning for the hosting gig at Mahalo Daily, a video podcast on cyberculture and all things Internet. Not sure exactly how the selection process works, but I encourage you to vote for her. Hey, she's highly qualified AND a friend of the Doe! What more could you ask for?

So check out ChristinaWarren.com and be sure to say "Hi" or "Hey" or "Aloha," or however you like to say "Howudoin'."

BREAKING NEWS: In an announcement sure to shock Fox and its commander-in-chief, Rupert Murdoch, Homer Simpson has violated corporate policy by officially endorsing comedian Mike Doe. Homer Simpson's endorsement can now be seen in a video that has already been viewed by millions and millions of people.

Mike Doe, the recipient of the alleged endorsement, refused to comment when first questioned about the endorsement by the media...at the press conference called by his public relations agency to announce the endorsement.

After a few drinks, Mike Doe said, "I am humbled and honored by this prestigious endorsement. I am a major fan of The Simpsons and Homer in particular. Clearly, MikeDoe.net and mankind will benefit enormously from Homer's kind word."

Several drinks later, Doe added, "Seriously, dude, do you think this will help me get laid?"

All media inquiries should be directed to rupertjmurdoch@fox.com. Please direct all fan mail, financial donations or, lastly but not leastly, groupie applications to mikedoenet (at) gmail.com.