It's the biggest sports day of the year, bar none. A few billion people worldwide will be tuned in. Football fans will be in front of the television, eating, drinking and being merry, not to mention talking smack about their favorite teams, and hoping they cover the point spread.

Sure, fans wonder whether Tom Brady will lead the Patriots to victory and an undefeated season or will the Giants pull off the upset.

But what do fans REALLY care about? Well, it's what the celebrities think about the big game, of course! So here, in their own words, and without further adieu: Top 10 Super Bowl Sunday Celebrity Predictions:

10. Britney Spears: Look at me! What about me? Look at me! What about me? Look at me! What about me? Look at me!

9. Paris Hilton: I'm hosting a Super Bowl Party. It's hot. You should come. Hee hee. I'm so hot!

8. Simon Cowell: Paula Abdul will have an equipment malfunction. Her microphone will actually work.

8. Michael Jackson: Playing with kids and their super balls...now that's a Thriller. Who's bad?

7. Chuck "the Iceman" Liddell: Patriots win by knockout. Got a problem?

6. John McCain: This game could last 100 years.

5. Hillary Clinton: The New York Giants will win! But it will be a very close game! Both teams are already winners in my book! Vote Tuesday!

3. David Hasselhoff: The Hoff says, 'Make it a double.' Go Giants!

2. Matt Damon: The Patriots will win going away. Not even close. Kind of like the Damon vs. Ben Affleck.

1. Tom Brady: Patriots 48; Giants 17; Tom Brady 2 hot models later tonight!

Feel free to chime in with your predictions too. Whoever makes the craziest prediction that actually comes true will actually be boozing on my dime whenever we actually hang out. Have fun, drink and eat up, and enjoy the game!

It has long been Hollywood's dirtiest little secret. And no, I'm not referring to Mini-Me's infamous threeway with Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen.

This secret involves two pillars of the movie's industry's A-List, two longtime friends, hell, two guys who for years have been involved in rumors of man-on-man action. Again, not talking about Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen.

No, we're talking Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, two Bostonians made good who should be celebrating Super Bowl weekend together over Dom Perignon, instead of sucking on sour grapes.

As many of you know, Sarah Silverman just did a video with People's Sexiest Man, Matt Damon, called, naturally, "I'm Fucking Matt Damon." It's funny, wildly popular and sure to push Matt Damon's career to the next level.

A level beyond Ben Affleck wildest dreams.

And why did Sarah Silverman choose to fake-break-up with her boyfriend, ABC late night talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel, with Matt Damon instead of Ben Affleck. It's simple. Two words: "Dem Apples."

While not claiming the biggest apples in the entertainment business, Matt Damon has made it known around town that his apples dwarf the apples of his one-time shower buddy, Ben Affleck.

And Ben ain't happy about his second-place apples. No, he ain't.

In fact, Ben Affleck has hired a team of publicists to polish his apple image. They've already been in talks with the people behind the recent David Beckham "big johnson" advertising campaign to determine the secret behind the Beckham magic. Were they using socks? A fake one? Perhaps some Photoshopping was involved? Whatever they did, Affleck is determined to find out.

When he does, Matt Damon better watch out.

Oh, and Sarah Silverman will no doubt call Ben when he does. Cause sister is all about finding a dude with apples. Or his own TV show.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard it everywhere else, but you're paying attention to it here first: Chuck Norris has declared former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee the winner of the Republican nomination for president of the United States of America.

And Chuck Norris don't play.

In a startling new announcement, Chuck Norris declared, "Anyone who opposes my good friend, President Huckabee, shall suffer my wrath. Just ask those criminals in Texas what a Chuck Norris karate chop feels like. Oh, that's right. You can't. Because every enemy of Chuck Norris is no longer among the living."

Needless to say, the Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani presidential campaigns were quick to respond. In fact, they did so in an unprecedented joint announcement.

Taking the lead, as his way, Rudy Giuliani declared, "Just like on September 11th, I will attend every photo op, wear whatever hard hat, and otherwise appear to do whatever it takes to defeat our sworn enemy: Chuck Norris. The man is practically a terrorist. Trust me, I am Your Leader, and I say so. You should hear his phone calls!"

Added Mitt Romney, "This is indeed true, my fellow Americans. Chuck Norris and his puppet, Huckabee, can no longer be considered good Republicans. They probably support a woman's right to choose, gay rights, and even voted for, ICK, Jimmy Carter!"

Calls to Chuck Norris have so far gone unanswered while Gov. Huckabee was last seen at his tailor getting measured for a new suit, a gift from someone who just likes him for him, not because they're expecting any favors in return.

The Democratic contenders refused to directly comment, although a spokesman for Sen. Barack Obama did say, "This is a sad return to the old-style politics of celebrity endorsements and meaningless platitudes, both of which we strongly oppose."

A spokesperson for Sen. Hillary Clinton had this to say: "Barack Obama's criticism of Chuck Norris, an American hero, shows that he is clearly not read for prime time. Next thing you know, Barack Obama will be criticizing the Pope."

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Editor's Note: Yes, my fellow Americans and illegal aliens, politics is dirtier than ever. Let's contribute, each in our special way. Please join me and share your views on this amazing turn of events. Let the (smartass) commenting commence!

---Mike Doe