I used to read books.

Lots and lots of books. And not just the kind with pictures.

No, I read everything from baseball biographies to mysteries and, best of all, the choose-your-own adventure books.

In fact, I read so much that I actually had a library card...and almost understood the Dewey Decimal System.

But then I turned 12 and discovered video games and then organized sports and, later on, high school girls. And my brain has gone downhill ever since. Thanks to those three.

You know what I mean!

But a man reaches a point where he wants to be less of a dumbass. So my Spring Forward Resolution is to read more books...okay, some books...okay, you got me: A BOOK. Hey, you have to start somewhere, right?

And someone told me that chicks are impressed by well-, uh, read dudes. Surely, the assistant manager at Barnes & Noble wouldn't lie to me.

Oh, and just to confirm, the girl in the photo above is NOT in high school. Nor is she underage. Nor is she reading, apparently. But she is eye candy and the photo does have a book, so good enough. In my book.

So without further adieu, my friends, any suggestions to get me started? And, uh, to clarify my tastes: NO ROMANCE NOVELS, or any books that could possibly be turned into a Lifetime movie, or be talked about IN a Lifetime movie. Or, hell, even read by a character in a Lifetime movie.

Doe-Nuts, thanks as always! Also, I'd love to hear about your reading experiences, in your formative years, or now, or whenever, especially if it involves anything ridiculous, salacious, or possibly even scandalous.

Last Friday I made a momentous decision. As anyone who knows me well will attest, this ain't exactly easy. Usually once this happens, after a few weeks months of painful deliberation, my mind will immediately kick into overdrive coming up with all the reasons to NOT follow through. Which it hasn't yet, and fingers crossed, it still won't.

So, uh, back to the momentous moment: I was at the Local 16 tavern on U Street, feeling good because I was less fat (thank you, Meatapalooza!) and my inner Mike Doe said, "Mike, you can do this. Now's your time to do it. Mike, just do it."

Do what, you ask?

Well, my situation is: 1) I need a job...like 6 months ago; 2) I need cash money; 3) I don't want to work in an office; 4) or go back to man-whoring.

So, I added it all up and decided, officially, no turning back, to study my ass off and keep hustling until I get a job as a bartender!

I think it's meant to be. I mean, for years people have been telling me, "Mike, you should get a job. Another job. Now put your things in this cardboard box. You have 5 minutes to exit the building."

And I always did just that. Because I had to.

But if they had continued (or cared), I'm sure they would have told me that I should become a bartender.

And so I am finally following their advice.

I am going to make my living as a bartender, at least until comedy starts paying the bills, which could be, er, a long, long while....weeks even!

However, despite years of committed drinking, all I knew about alcohol was what I liked drinking -- mostly beer, cheap wine and mystery mixed drinks. So I decided to read up.

This past Saturday I went with Maria to the Barnes & Noble downtown. We picked the The Ultimate Bartender's Guide, which is really good for drink recipes, and Bartending for Dummies, which has great background info on all things alcohol.

Today I've been writing index cards, one drink recipe on each, and memorizing drinks. Or trying to. My brain's out of practice. But really I just want to know enough to be dangerous when I start applying next week -- maybe the most popular 20-25 drinks plus some how-to's of bartending.

Gainful employment....just around the corner...at a bar...knock on wood!