« An Ode to True Love and Love Dolls, Not Necessarily in that Particular Order »
Will Ferrell shares a post-coital cuddle with his Love Doll in Old School.
As literate individuals with Internet access and the free time to goof around on this site, we have much to be thankful for: life, liberty, relatively cheap beer and -- if you're like me and live in a heavily populated, transient urban center -- undeserved access to a bevvy of morally flexible chicks lacking in self-esteem, judgment and better things to do.
Ah, yes, you gotta love the chat rooms, baby!
But of course I kid. For I am not actually talking about cheap, tawdry affairs characterized mainly by lust and, later, an unpleasant itch; no, indeed; for it is true love that we all yearn for. Those of use lucky enough to have experienced this wonderful feeling know that it is sometimes accompanied by sex that you don't always have to pay for.
But sadly, sometimes one finds oneself lacking a true loving companion, or anyone else willing to do the deed for free, so we find ourselves researching our options.
For many of you, the best option has turned out to be THE LOVE DOLL. "The Love Doll is man's noblest invention since the thesaurus and quickie divorces," noted the famed political philosopher, philanderer and moralist Newt Gingrich.
And on this particular issue alone, Newt Gingrich is not talking out of his ass. The Love Doll manufacturing industry now rivals automobiles and fake wieners in their importance to the U.S. Gross Domestic Product. In 2007 alone, it accounted for $11.7 billion in domestic sales and almost $5 billion in foreign sales. And that is not counting France.
So what does it all mean? Rather than make some more stuff up, I'd like to quote the words of the world's first, most famous and, assuming she is still alive, oldest sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "Love Dolls are practically a requirement for a happy marriage in zee 21st century. You must make zee love to your spouse exactly like you would make zee love to your Love Doll. This will make all three of you happier in zee long run."
Not Dr. Ruth, but close enough.
Well said, Dr. Ruth. You tiny, sexy, sawed-off octogenarian runt, ya. But if you were 60 years younger, well, I still wouldn't bang you. Well, not sober anyway. Knock on wood.