If You Have More than Five Cats, You Are a CRAZY CAT LADY
One cat, two cat, three cat, four? Okay, you're fine.
But if you have five cats or more, then you are a crazy cat lady. Even if you were born a dude, you forfeited your masculine privileges when you brought home that fifth cat.
The Russian lady with 130 cats in this video is most definitely a crazy cat lady, times thirty. This video freaked me out. And I've seen horrible things in my youngish life, such as Saved by the Bell: The College Years and, lord, I apologize, Larry the Cable Guy.
In fact, I apologize for even showing you this freaky weird crazy cat lady video. But I felt it was necessary to reach out to society at large and especially to anyone who knows a potential crazy cat lady and, although there's only a slight chance that they could recognize their own craziness, a real, living, breathing crazy cat lady.
The message I want to share is this: Give those freaking cats away! If you are a friend, family member, neighbor, pet shop employee or cat doctor, call the animal cops! Do whatever it takes to save them and, more importantly, you and me and other non-weirdos from having to read about or see this crazy shit!
Cats are not goldfish. They can and will eat you when you croak, fall asleep before locking the door, or even if you don't give them tasty enough cat food. In 2007 alone, nearly 3,500 crazy cat ladies worldwide were eaten alive by their cats!
Please join this fight to save these crazy cat ladies from themselves...and their cats! And if not for them, do it for the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
UPDATE: Mike Doe loves cats! In fact, I once owned three cats and got along really well with two of them. Therefore, please direct any and all bitter hate mail to the comedy blog's correspondence director, Intern Bob, when we find him.
Mike Doe
16 Comments
Reader Comments (16)
If you're an owner of 4 cats and don't want the CCL title or if you were a dude and just want to get your mojo back, consider this: your local chinese restaurant is a great adoption agency for your 4th cat.
Hey Caleb (aka @changstein for twitter peeps),
Mixed emotions, my friend. Cracking up AND pissed that I didn't come up with the joke first!
Mike, you've been thinking about getting that 4th cat, haven't you?
My advice - order the fab Chicken Fried Rice from Wong's, delight in the meaty morsels, then smile dude because:
1. You've had a cheap, but satisfying dinner
2. You've got your mojo & game back
3. you KNOW that's not chicken!
SHUT UP I AM GOING TO BE CRAZY CAT LADY IN MY OLD AGE.
My house will smell of must, old-lady butt powder, and cat urine. Maybe people urine too.
I will sit in my rocker and rock, rock rock, wearing a housedress, cardigan, slippers, and no bra, with cats crawling all over me.
My slipcovers will be made of cat hair.
I will eat catfood along with the cats, only I'll put mine on a plate first.
As you can see, I've given this a lot of thought.
Caleb,
Maybe it's the vodka tonic, well, three vodka tonics to be specific, but I don't think so, for I am officially, legitimately, doing what so many others claim. so often. Oh yes, I am LMAO!
aka_monty,
Homegirl, that will NEVER HAPPEN. For yours truly will drive to Oklahoma and, well, do whatever it take to pull you out of the CRAZY CAT LADY life.
And, yes, this will include a diet heavy on drinking, honky-tonking and watching classic films such as Road House, Cocktail and Starship Troopers!
Every time I tell people I have 4 cats, I always follow up with the disclaimer "but I'm heterosexual and quite sane." It all started in 2000, when I found a cat outside my apartment. She was skinny everywhere except her stomach; having watched plenty of National Geographic videos of starving African children, I just assumed she had distemper. I took her to the vet for a checkup. The vet "felt her up," and told me she was pregnant. Kittens weren't selling well in 2000, so I kept the babies. Wow, that story is making me doubt my masculinity; I think I'm going to go outside and break something.
LOLOLOLOL
OMG! The Floor! IT IS ALIVE WITH CATS!!!
I love cats, and that video terrifies me. Maybe I should rethink my plan for my old age.
Oh, so I'm not supposed to want to be the crazy cat lady? Good thing to know...haven't gotten a cat yet but hubby says that if I get one, that'll quickly turn into two and then three and then four...do cats produce a sexually or are they like gremlins and they multiply when they get wet? Maybe I'll be the crazy snake lady instead...
Slander against cats. I'm shocked, Mike. ;)
Two's my limit. I'm diving.
Besides, with that many cats how could you ever figure out which one was in the dog house?
Brad,
According to my calculations, your heavy liquor consumption still outweighs your disturbingly high number of cats. However, whatever you do, I urge you to not cross the crazy cat lady threshhold of five cats.
I know you'll do the right thing.
Mike!! How *could* you?? How could you send something like this to a person named MOUSEwords??
MOUSEwords,
Oops, my bad. No, wait, I blame Kevin Bacon!
My god Mike, this one's the worst I've seen. You said what I could only think -- what if the cat lady croaks? Reminds me of Dark Christmas but tenfold. Oh, the Humanity!