« Holy Motherfuck*r! Natalie Portman Is One Crazy-Ass B*tch! »

What can you say about Natalie Portman? She was a child acting prodigy who turned in a great performance as a mafia hitman's only friend in The Professional. She then followed this with a series of crappy performances in the Star Wars sequels, or prequels, or whatever you call the crappy movies without Chewbacca.

Natalie Portman then went to Harvard University, at some point. And she passed her classes, joined some secret societies, and almost certainly pranced about naked once or twice a year like Will Ferrell in Old School. Speaking of which, aren't you glad that it was Will Ferrell and not the 100-year old freshman fraternity pledge, BLUE, streaking around campus? I know I'm not.

Most importantly, Natalie Portman is SUPER FINE. As Chris Farley once said, while playing a horny bus driver, and is there any other kind, who was staring at the ass of Pete Sampras's wife, who was playing the lovely teacher, Miss Veronica Vaugn in the award-winning cinematic classic, Billy Madison. "Natalie Portman is one hot piece of ace. I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean."

Oh, and Natalie Portman can rap too. Check out her amazing rap performance on Saturday Night Live in the video below for proof.

And word to the wise: Don't mess with Natalie Portman. Or she will fuck you and then kill you. And not necessarily in that order.

See also Natalie's and Sarah Silverman's.