Holy Motherfuck*r! Natalie Portman Is One Crazy-Ass B*tch!
What can you say about Natalie Portman? She was a child acting prodigy who turned in a great performance as a mafia hitman's only friend in The Professional. She then followed this with a series of crappy performances in the Star Wars sequels, or prequels, or whatever you call the crappy movies without Chewbacca.
Natalie Portman then went to Harvard University, at some point. And she passed her classes, joined some secret societies, and almost certainly pranced about naked once or twice a year like Will Ferrell in Old School. Speaking of which, aren't you glad that it was Will Ferrell and not the 100-year old freshman fraternity pledge, BLUE, streaking around campus? I know I'm not.
Most importantly, Natalie Portman is SUPER FINE. As Chris Farley once said, while playing a horny bus driver, and is there any other kind, who was staring at the ass of Pete Sampras's wife, who was playing the lovely teacher, Miss Veronica Vaugn in the award-winning cinematic classic, Billy Madison. "Natalie Portman is one hot piece of ace. I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean."
Oh, and Natalie Portman can rap too. Check out her amazing rap performance on Saturday Night Live in the video below for proof.
And word to the wise: Don't mess with Natalie Portman. Or she will fuck you and then kill you. And not necessarily in that order.
Mike Doe
7 Comments
Reader Comments (7)
I'm gonna have to stumble this entry when I'm back on my computer. Natalie Portman is the shizz!
Mike..okay now this is hilarious. I love Natalie Portman and her parents did a wonderful job in raising her. She is doing her thing in Hollywood and I admire that she went to college and GRADUATED. She kind of reminds me of Jodie Foster where she is in control of her destiny. Much appreciate you making me smile as always!
This is my favorite SNL digital short. My boyfriend thinks Lazy Sunday is the ultimate, but I love this one so much. And yes -- Natalie is the total shit. For me, it's even less about her hotness (though she is SO hot) and her insane acting abilities (seriously, she was so robbed of her Oscar for Closer -- Cate Blanchett -- WHATEVER -- that was a lame-ass Kate Hepburn impression and Natalie was robbed), but because two of my favorite people in the known universe, Mike Nichols (director, The Graduate, Working Girl, Angels in America, Wolf -- come one -- Jack was a werewolf!) and Alan Dershowitz have both taken it upon themselves to be her mentors of sort. You are pretty badass if Mike Nichols and one of the best defense attorneys since Clarence Darrow are in your corner.
Shylie743,
Your middle name is hereby "Badass!"
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks so much! Aside from her George Lucas experience acting against a green screen, she's done good work and is smart, HOT, of course, and, most importantly, actually has her act together.
In other words, Natalie Portman is the exact opposite of Paris Hilton. Actually, this might be a future post, come to think of it. Sweet Fancy Moses!
Hey Christina,
Any fresh Hollywood offers since you were featured at MikeDoe.net yesterday? No doubt you've gotten dozens of calls from agents, producers and the like.
Word to the wise: don't take anything less than 10 percent...OF THE GROSS! Getting a piece of the net is for suckers! Trust me, I know this sad fact all too well.
That was incredibly arousing.