« EXCLUSIVE: Abe Vigoda Declares Himself a Living...Legend! »

New York City -- Long since given up for dead by everyone who knows him, actor Abe Vigoda today declared himself to be a "LIVING LEGEND" in a statement, apparently live, given to members of the media in an impromptu press conference outside his Brooklyn brownstone.

Looking every bit his 87 years, Abe Vigoda strutted to the microphone, grabbed his crotch and proceeded to thrust wildly for a good 30 seconds saying, "You know you want some of this" to several female members of the press, including octogenarian Helen Thomas, who merely grinned and said, "Oh, Abe Vigoda."

After his crotch-grabbing display, Abe Vigoda cleared his throat then declared: "Ladies and gentlemen, as anyone who's anyone knows, I am Abe Vigoda. Yes, THAT Abe Vigoda. And I am here because you media dimwits keep reporting that I am dead. As you can see, I am not dead."

At this point, Abe Vigoda again repeated his crotch grab-and-thrust maneuver, this time for 45 seconds.

Continued Abe Vigoda, "Yes, clearly I, Abe Vigoda, am long, strong and down to get the friction on."

Not satisfied that he had made his point, Abe Vigoda went even further. "And this goes out to all my homies on lock, the boys from Godfather I except for Marlon Brando -- who's still alive and kicking, fatass?; yeah, that's right, ME -- and of course, let us not forget Barney Miller and the boys down at the precinct..."

At this point Abe Vigoda paused for a full minute while solemnly surveying the crowd.

"My message to them is the same as my message to you: DROP DEAD! I made you people. Every single one of you. Without me, the 1970s would have been the worst decade since the 1930s. Thanks for nothing, people! You can kiss my old pale white ass, but you'll have to wait in line. Abe Vigoda has got some honeys on the fifth floor that need some afternoon delight...Abe Vigoda style!"

Abe Vigoda once again grabbed his privates and this time wildly gyrated and thrust his 87 year-old crotch for two minutes and forty seconds.

And thus ended the public career of longtime actor and respected old man, Abe Vigoda. For now at least.

--Mike Doe

UPDATE: Apparently, Abe Vigoda IS alive and his attorneys are none too happy about this almost completely factual account. Well, you know what they say about opinions and assholes and attorneys all being the same and such. And that's exactly what I told Abe Vigoda and his damned consigliere!

UPDATE II: On the advice of MY legal counsel, I want to make the further addendum to the above account of the infamous Abe Vigoda press conference: I, Mike Doe, am not 100 percent sure this was THAT Abe Vigoda, despite what Abe Vigoda himself claimed at the press conference.

See also A Toast to Blue.