5-Step Plan for Becoming a "Celebrity" Judge at a Hottest Bartender Contest
This is perhaps the most important post you will ever read at MikeDoe.net, at least for the dudes in the home audience.
Oh hell, this advice can help the ladies, too, I'm sure, if you're looking to judge a hottest guy bartender contest.
That type of contest, however, will not be discussed here. Ever. Understood?
However, if you are a really cute chick...okay, a decent-looking chick...okay, a chick who was born a chick...and you want to judge your fellow females in a hottest bartender contest, well...call me.
5-Step Plan for Becoming a "Celebrity" Judge at a Hottest Bartender Contest
1. Become a Celebrity - Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. But the key is the air quotes around the word "celebrity."
You don't have to be a major superstar like Ben Affleck or Pauly Shore to get this type of gig. All you need is SOMETHING the contest promoter can say about you, other than "Typical dude, likes to masturbate."
Think creatively. Perhaps you're from a small town and like juggling? Then, why not promote yourself as the Champion Juggler from Bumfuck, Utah, or wherever? The more mighty sounding your title, the better. Just try to keep it somewhat believable. "Hollywood extra who once scored with Britney Spears" is much better than "Excellent singer from Season 1 of American Idol!"
2. Identify the local contest promoters. - Before you can judge and, naturally, hook up with one or all of the contestants, you must know where the upcoming contests are being held. Google until you find something. Also check out your local newspapers and ask your friends in the bar business. Your hoochie mama friends will likely know as well.
3. Think positive! - And, no, I am not talking about some feel-good mumbo-jumbo bullshit. You're trying to get in a position to judge HOT CHICK BARTENDERS...who will be highly motivated to flirt, dance, shake it, exchange numbers, give and receive, uh, body shots. C'mon, my friend. It's G-O time!
4. Write your pitch and REHEARSE. - Write it down beforehand, and not on a bar napkin while you're waiting to talk to the manager!
This is basically what you say after "hello" to the contest promoter, who will likely be a bar owner, manager or entertainment industry type. You won't be dealing with many stuffed shirts, although padding elsewhere is always a possibility.
The key is to be friendly, confident and keep it under 30 seconds. Here's what I might say to someone who doesn't already know me. In other words, some clueless wannabe motherf...uh, sorry, I digress. "Hi, my name is Mike Doe. I'm a comedian and and I'd love to be a judge at your hottest bartender contest. I'll get the audience laughing and promote the contest on my web site: MikeDoe.net."
5. Close the deal. - Be professional and act "as if" you are who the fuck you say you are. Give the promoter your contact information, your web address if any, and think positively. Get 'em to say "yes."
In closing, just remember, my friends. Think boobies. You can do it. You owe it to yourself, your male friends and future children and grandchildren, so that one day you, too, can say, "That reminds me of the time I was a celebrity judge at a hottest bartender contest and..."
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UPDATE: For some additional screwed-up advice, click here.
Mike Doe
in The Book of Doe, Hotties, Pop Culture, Partying, Screwed-Up Advice
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16 Comments
Reader Comments (16)
Dude, the boobs on the left are bigger than their HEADS. That's not a bartender, that's a pole dancer/porn actress.
Hey Skawt,
Are you 100 percent sure? Maybe it's just the camera angle.
Amazingly insightful post. If I do see a "hot male bartender contest" NOW I know.
Tabz,
Wow, I've never been called "amazingly insightful" before, not even by Mama Doe. Thank you!
Mike:
No amount of camera angles can make her not be a stripper.
Skawt:
I might have to concede that point. But surely it's possible she's poured a drink for money at some point in her, uh, career.
What's the saying? When life hands you lemons...trade them in for watermelons?
As a girl, that just looks painful.
Also, if you want to judge multiple events relating to the one above, go to a Sticky Lips party in New Zealand...lethal melons may or may not be included, but it is some good times. :)
My rack cringed in embarrassment at the sight of those udders. Somebody milk the girl before she falls forward.
Of course, if she does, she'll most likely bounce.
Call me if you change your mind on the hottest MALE bartender contest, because I've got my story all worked out.
AKA_Monty,
Your "rack cringed in embarrassment?" I am literally, for the first time, rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!
Also, I am curious about your rack, but now's not the time and the place. Although, to be fair to the hottest bartender contestant, maybe she was having an off day? I'm sure they are normally much larger and bouncier.
SongsinBlue,
This is good information. Maybe you'll be my connection if/when the world tours takes me to New Zealand. First few pints on me...especially if you help me secure a coveted celebrity judgeship!
Did this work? Have you judged a hot chick contest? With that said, I'm definitely trying this
Hey Nick,
This method is fool-proof. Just work the plan and soon you'll be "doing the airplane" before AND after the contest. Not during, though, because that would be unprofessional!
Clearly the hottest of the three in the photo is the one on the right. The one on the left is, uh... trying too hard. That's just unnatural and completely absurd. As for the girl in the middle, well, it never has been good to be a middle child, and while there is nothing wrong with her appearance, I wouldn't necessarily put her in the "hot" category... "Classic Beauty" yes, "Hot"... prolly not.
But let's go back and talk about the girl on the left again. I second the painful remark. She'll be able to reupholster a sofa with the leftovers after she decides she needs a corrective reduction surgery.
And to think, she was probably the hottest, before she let her insecurity and low self esteem get the better of her.
Oh the humanity!
Oh the humanity!
Niceeeeeee
I dunno. I saw the girl on the left and thought: if my rack was that frickin huge, I would not be able to live with the pain, and my boyfriend wouldnt be a able to keep his hands off of them.
I wonder where she gets her bras... Texas?