« 5-Step Plan for Becoming a "Celebrity" Judge at a Hottest Bartender Contest »

This is perhaps the most important post you will ever read at MikeDoe.net, at least for the dudes in the home audience.

Oh hell, this advice can help the ladies, too, I'm sure, if you're looking to judge a hottest guy bartender contest.

That type of contest, however, will not be discussed here. Ever. Understood?

However, if you are a really cute chick...okay, a decent-looking chick...okay, a chick who was born a chick...and you want to judge your fellow females in a hottest bartender contest, well...call me.

5 Steps for Becoming a "Celebrity" Judge at a Hottest Bartender Contest

1. Become a Celebrity - Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. But the key is the air quotes around the word "celebrity."

You don't have to be a major superstar like Ben Affleck or Pauly Shore to get this type of gig. All you need is SOMETHING the contest promoter can say about you, other than "Typical dude, likes to masturbate."

Think creatively. Perhaps you're from a small town and like juggling? Then, why not promote yourself as the Champion Juggler from Bumfuck, Utah, or wherever? The more mighty sounding your title, the better. Just try to keep it somewhat believable. "Hollywood extra who once scored with Britney Spears" is much better than "Excellent singer from Season 1 of American Idol!"

2. Identify the local contest promoters. - Before you can judge and, naturally, hook up with one or all of the contestants, you must know where the upcoming contests are being held. Google until you find something. Also check out your local newspapers and ask your friends in the bar business. Your hoochie mama friends will likely know as well.

3. Think positive! - And, no, I am not talking about some feel-good mumbo-jumbo bullshit. You're trying to get in a position to judge HOT CHICK BARTENDERS...who will be highly motivated to flirt, dance, shake it, exchange numbers, give and receive, uh, body shots. C'mon, my friend. It's G-O time!

4. Write your pitch and REHEARSE. - Write it down beforehand, and not on a bar napkin while you're waiting to talk to the manager!

This is basically what you say after "hello" to the contest promoter, who will likely be a bar owner, manager or entertainment industry type. You won't be dealing with many stuffed shirts, although padding elsewhere is always a possibility.

The key is to be friendly, confident and keep it under 30 seconds. Here's what I might say to someone who doesn't already know me. In other words, some clueless wannabe motherf...uh, sorry, I digress. "Hi, my name is Mike Doe. I'm a comedian and and I'd love to be a judge at your hottest bartender contest. I'll get the audience laughing and promote the contest on my web site: MikeDoe.net."

5. Close the deal. - Be professional and act "as if" you are who the fuck you say you are. Give the promoter your contact information, your web address if any, and think positively. Get 'em to say "yes."

In closing, just remember, my friends. Think boobies. You can do it. You owe it to yourself, your male friends and future children and grandchildren, so that one day you, too, can say, "That reminds me of the time I was a celebrity judge at a hottest bartender contest and..."

See also Best Bikini Contest EVER and Inside the Sauna.