« EXPOSED: Why Sarah Silverman Is NOT Banging Ben Affleck »

It has long been Hollywood's dirtiest little secret. And no, I'm not referring to Mini-Me's infamous threeway with Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen.

This secret involves two pillars of the movie's industry's A-List, two longtime friends, hell, two guys who for years have been involved in rumors of man-on-man action. Again, not talking about Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen.

No, we're talking Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, two Bostonians made good who should be celebrating Super Bowl weekend together over Dom Perignon, instead of sucking on sour grapes.

As many of you know, Sarah Silverman just did a video with People's Sexiest Man, Matt Damon, called, naturally, "I'm Fucking Matt Damon." It's funny, wildly popular and sure to push Matt Damon's career to the next level.

A level beyond Ben Affleck wildest dreams.

And why did Sarah Silverman choose to fake-break-up with her boyfriend, ABC late night talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel, with Matt Damon instead of Ben Affleck. It's simple. Two words: "Dem Apples."

While not claiming the biggest apples in the entertainment business, Matt Damon has made it known around town that his apples dwarf the apples of his one-time shower buddy, Ben Affleck.

And Ben ain't happy about his second-place apples. No, he ain't.

In fact, Ben Affleck has hired a team of publicists to polish his apple image. They've already been in talks with the people behind the recent David Beckham "big johnson" advertising campaign to determine the secret behind the Beckham magic. Were they using socks? A fake one? Perhaps some Photoshopping was involved? Whatever they did, Affleck is determined to find out.

When he does, Matt Damon better watch out.

Oh, and Sarah Silverman will no doubt call Ben when he does. Cause sister is all about finding a dude with apples. Or his own TV show.

See also Sarah Does Damon and Her Rack.