I Blame Kevin Bacon...for Millions of Boring Jokes About How White People Can't Dance
Kevin Bacon. Actor. Dancer. Wannabe rockstar. Husband to The Closer chick, Kyra Sedgwick. Doer of many deeds, good, bad and, yes, EVIL.
But I do not blame Kevin Bacon for all of this.
Oh wait, yes, I do.
Here's why I BLAME KEVIN BACON right now. And so should you.
Kevin Bacon starred in FOOTLOOSE, perhaps the corniest film of the 1980s, one which made permanent the notion that WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE.
This in turn has led to tens of millions of unfunny jokes. Literally billions of people believe this sterotype...all because of, yes, Kevin Bacon.
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dudes, and some chicks, have never gotten laid because they couldn't work past their Kevin Bacon-induced phobia of dancing, get on the dance floor, and start working the bump-and-grind on someone, the surest way to score in the minds of such renowned experts as Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Paris Hilton, that one slutty girl from Real World, and comedian-slash-background dancer, Mike Doe.
Humankind has suffered enough. White dudes have suffered enough. Hell we've all suffered enough. Consider the following:
Millions of eyes have been rolled at the same tired-ass, lamer-than-Carrot Top "white people can't dance" jokes, as every fucking party with at least three white people in the last 25 years has included at least one person deliberately busting some corny "white" dance moves, telling the same tired jokes and, last but not least, doing the "white man's overbite."
Please, people, comedians, wannabe jokers, rich people and poor, black people and white, everyone, can we not agree to put this tired subject to rest?
EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE: The Elaine Dance from Seinfeld will always be funny; alas, the exception does not outweigh the approximate 3 to 5 million lame jokes each year. "Sweet Fancy Moses!"
To recap: dancing is fun. Even if you're not that good at it, dancing has been scientifically proven to increase your odds of getting laid on a regular basis. Plus it's a good way to burn off those beer and vodka calories, which means you can drink even more.
For these and many more reasons that space does not permit...
I BLAME KEVIN BACON.
If you still feel some sympathy for Kevin Bacon, or think he's just been misunderstood, then be sure to watch the video below. Everyone else, please skip past the video. The dance sequences will be difficult to remove from your head. You've been warned.
Doe-Nuts, commence blaming Kevin Bacon with righteous vengeance. And please follow the appropriate proprietries by starting your comment with "I BLAME KEVIN BACON..." The all-caps lets everyone know you're serious.
Mike Doe
in I Blame Kevin Bacon, The Book of Doe, Pop Culture, Partying, Screwed-Up Advice
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27 Comments
Reader Comments (27)
I BLAME KEVIN BACON but absolve Sara Jessica Parker. Carrie Bradshaw is immune from all. Even Girls Just Wanna Have fun with Helen Hunt and a pre-teen Brenda Walsh.
Oh, and I'm such a loser - I actually have two copies of Footloose on DVD. I know. I know.
Christina,
Footloose has its moments. The tractor fight was pretty wild. And who can forget Kevin Bacon using his dance moves to beat up the local radical redneck anti-dancing gang?
Nonetheless, I BLAME KEVIN BACON...for the MACARENA.
I BLAME KEVIN BACON because his last name is BACON!
I BLAME KEVIN BACON for bringing back the VW Beetle! Seriously though... Can someone explain to me how kids who were never allowed to dance all of a sudden became expert dancers at the end of the movie???
It's the magic of... The Bacon!
Just Sayin',
EXACTLY! These small-town kids looked suspiciously like the people you see on "So You Think You Can Dance"...just with 80s haircuts and extremely dubious fashion decisions.
And you're right: Kevin Bacon has a lot of explaining to do!
It's the same way Baby was able to replace Penny at the hotel gig in Dirty Dancing -- movie magic! Don't ruin it for me!
I know we are talking about kevin bacon but what about John Travolta in "Stayin Alive" or the sequel when he's on broadway? Well maybe it doesn't count since he isn't fully white but it made a lot of white guys want to disco dance, which the disco era was extremely tacky hence continuing the jokes that white boys can't dance.
Damn Kevin Bacon!
Julia,
Well, Travolta did inspire a lot of pretenders, but at least he could shake it. Kevin Bacon should've b-slapped the choreagrapher for some of those moves they had him, or his dance double, doing.
If disco dancing was helping those 70s dudes score some booty, though, I'd have to say more power to 'em. At the end of the day, it is important that we all keep our eyes on the prize: getting some!
I don't understand, because I BLAME KEVIN BACON for being HOT in Footloose. I don't understand why any woman would not want to lie down with the Bac-ster.
I blame KEVIN BACON for that terrible hairstyle, and for anyone EVER NAMING THEIR KID REN. What a dumbass name.
I can't blame him for the dancing, because when the movie came out? All us teenage girls thought he was AWESOME.
But I CAN blame KEVIN BACON for trying to combine gymnastics and dancing, and for ripping the sleeves off a sweatshirt which is so gay.
ok ok i get your point Mike. But I blame Kevin Bacon for Footloose because in high school my drama class did this variety show which was scenes from movies and well my teacher picked the finale scene of that movie. It was a pain learning it. It looked really cheesy too.
also aka_monty
"But I CAN blame KEVIN BACON for trying to combine gymnastics and dancing, and for ripping the sleeves off a sweatshirt which is so gay. "
that was brilliant!
Aw, thank you, Julia! :) xoxoxox
Ladies, ladies, ladies...
Please, let us FOCUS. This is NOT about your schoolgirl fantasies of doing the horizontal mamba with Kevin Bacon!
Instead it's about the literally MILLIONS of innocent people who have not gotten any action, or far less than they should have, because of this man and this movie.
And that's just wrong.
aka_Monty,
You are correct in your assessment of REN and his sleeves-off-the-sweatshirt ripping. It's not well known but KEVIN BACON actually improvised that move.
----
Julia,
I am indeed sorry that you had to copy the dance moves of KEVIN BACON. No doubt much therapy was required afterwards. Perhaps a lawsuit against Kevin Bacon is in order?
I wonder what he would say. Hmm *runs off to find legal aid*
Ok but really maybe it wasn't that bad but it was still really corny as Kevin Bacon is.
I BLAME KEVIN BACON for teenage rebellion! Come on, if your dad says no dancing then no dancing!! All of this could have been avoided if he would have just listened to his dad.
Oh, and the white man's overbite is seriously sexy!!
Katie,
You're right! REN was a good kid in the original script AND he never meant no harm to nobody. Then that damn KEVIN BACON went ahead and insisted on script changes to make the movie "edgier" and the dance moves "cheesier."
I BLAME KEVIN BACON!
Like maple bacon is the candy of meats, Kevin Bacon is the candy of man meat. ;)
Long before I knew who KB was or what "Footloose" was, I had begun my lifelong love affair with bacon. I love bacon, whether with eggs, on a hamburger, or just on a breezy summer day. Nonetheless, the fact that a teen idol/American icon bears the surname of "Bacon" is slightly disturbing. Is that a stage name? Did he actually sit down one day and say, "Hmmm. As I begin my acting career, I need a new name. 'Kevin Winkletoes' just doesn't have that...pinache. I do believe I shall make my public name...BACON. Yes. BACON."
I dunno. You tell me....
ohhh man I love Elaine dancing
Funny website by the way
I blame Kevin Bacon because no one knew how to dance before he came to town and like something out of the Music Man. He came. He danced. And he conquered. Now we all have to live with the consequences. Anyone who has ever been to an Italian wedding or a frat party knows exactly what I mean.Damn you Kevin Bacon.
Ummmm...Not with you guys on this one. Love the movie and its corny-ness. Love the dance scenes and have owned and worn out the soundtrack. Kevin was making a buck and is an excellent actor. And singer for that matter.
DeeJay,
I respect your allegiance to Kevin Bacon. Loyalty is a virtue, even to such a man as Kevin Bacon...even after all that he's done TO this country.
However, the facts are in and the jury had decided. I BLAME KEVIN BACON...and so does 93 percent of respondents to our latest poll. The jury has spoken.
Well then the jury sucks .
I'm just sayin'....
DeeJay,
We have agreed on so many important issues -- celebrity scandal after celebrity scandal, the importance of drinking vodka and NOT eating potatoes, Paris Hilton even -- let's agree to disagree on this one.
Your first 3-5 drinks are still on me...in DC...uh, as long as they're domestic beers or rail drinks! It'll be crazy go nuts.
Yep, you crack me up.
Apparently I am no longer hip because I do not know what a rail drink is. Domestic beers...can do! Woot!
YES! Rail drinks are basically mixed drinks with non-premium liquors. Some bars offer happy hour specials on "rail drinks."
WHEW! And, yeah, I usually drink beer too!