« I Blame Kevin Bacon...for Millions of Boring Jokes About How White People Can't Dance »

Kevin Bacon. Actor. Dancer. Wannabe rockstar. Husband to The Closer chick, Kyra Sedgwick. Doer of many deeds, good, bad and, yes, EVIL.

But I do not blame Kevin Bacon for all of this.

Oh wait, yes, I do.

Here's why I BLAME KEVIN BACON right now. And so should you.

Kevin Bacon starred in FOOTLOOSE, perhaps the corniest film of the 1980s, one which made permanent the notion that WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE.

This in turn has led to tens of millions of unfunny jokes. Literally billions of people believe this sterotype...all because of, yes, Kevin Bacon.

MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dudes, and some chicks, have never gotten laid because they couldn't work past their Kevin Bacon-induced phobia of dancing, get on the dance floor, and start working the bump-and-grind on someone, the surest way to score in the minds of such renowned experts as Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Paris Hilton, that one slutty girl from Real World, and comedian-slash-background dancer, Mike Doe.

Humankind has suffered enough. White dudes have suffered enough. Hell we've all suffered enough. Consider the following:

Millions of eyes have been rolled at the same tired-ass, lamer-than-Carrot Top "white people can't dance" jokes, as every fucking party with at least three white people in the last 25 years has included at least one person deliberately busting some corny "white" dance moves, telling the same tired jokes and, last but not least, doing the "white man's overbite."

Please, people, comedians, wannabe jokers, rich people and poor, black people and white, everyone, can we not agree to put this tired subject to rest?

EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE: The Elaine Dance from Seinfeld will always be funny; alas, the exception does not outweigh the approximate 3 to 5 million lame jokes each year. "Sweet Fancy Moses!"

To recap: dancing is fun. Even if you're not that good at it, dancing has been scientifically proven to increase your odds of getting laid on a regular basis. Plus it's a good way to burn off those beer and vodka calories, which means you can drink even more.

For these and many more reasons that space does not permit...

I BLAME KEVIN BACON.

If you still feel some sympathy for Kevin Bacon, or think he's just been misunderstood, then be sure to watch the video below. Everyone else, please skip past the video. The dance sequences will be difficult to remove from your head. You've been warned.

See also I Blame Kevin Bacon for EVERYTHING.