It's Valentine's Day. The one holiday ALL CHICKS actually care about. Are you ready? 'Cause if you ain't got no plan, you might not be getting any tonight, or for many nights. And that's just wrong.

There's still hope though...if you're reading this BEFORE 4:45pm on V-Day. The plan below might save your ass, and help you avoid seeing this scary flipping-YOU-the-bird pose from that special someone.

Screw it up, though, it'll be much worse than a flipped bird: YOUR GIRL WILL WITHHOLD THE BOOTY!

On a sidenote, though, if she's not the type to withhold the booty, why are you so worried anyway? Kick back and make sure you've got AT LEAST two six-packs in the fridge and your favorite pizza place's phone number on hand and you should be good to go.

However, if there's any chance your girl will be putting your nuts in a jar for screwing up Valentine's Day, it's G-O Time on the first annual, surefire:

10-Step Emergency Plan to Save Valentine's Day

#1. Figure out the dinner arrangements NOW. This could be the toughest and most time-consuming step, especially if you live in the big city. Keep calling non-fast-food/non-sneeze-guard-buffet-style restaurants until you find one that's not completely booked. Say "YES" to anything. There's no time to be too picky.

#2. Get to the drug store and buy a card! Resist the urge to go too jokey. Musical cards are especially good if you can find one with "your song" on it. No more than 10 minutes here. Time's a'wasting.

#3. Buy a box of chocolate. And don't eat any of it! Bide your time and sneak all you want later. A half-eaten box won't get you any.

#4. Forget the flowers. Sure, it kills any hopes for a next vacation threesome, but this step is too time-consuming and no place delivers same-day anyway, unless you're related to the florist. And he owes you money.

#5. Don't wear scraggly jeans, unless...that's her thing. It won't kill anyone's "style" to avoid holes, wrinkles or unwashed apparel one night a year.

#6. Show up on time to pick her up. Don't be pissed when she's not ready. Because she won't be. Just take a deep breath and think big picture: THE BOOTY.

#7. At dinner, no yawns or smartass remarks...about her family members, including and especially HER, even if they deserve it. And don't mention any romantic escapades from past Valentine's Days with your exes. Years of good doing-boring-stuff-like shopping karma will be flushed down the drain.

#8. Load up on Brut, the cologne not the champagne. There are six other days in the week to get drunk. This is your day for smelling good and sipping wine, not chugging brews or upchucking booze.

#9. Open and close doors for her all night...whether it's your car or the restaurant. What the hell? It's only one day a year.

#10. Don't ask "So we going to do it?" Girls are not turned on or impressed by this question. Also, don't request any sexual activity not already endorsed by Cosmo, which is pretty much every deed you'd ever need. But if she brings "it" up, hell, anything goes, my friend! See, she's smiling. The plan works!

Best of luck and remember, it's just one damn day but the consequences can last a lifetime, or at least a few months....for better or worse!

See also Vodka and Taters.