Bacon, the Pig's Gift to Humanity and the Ultimate Diet Food
Photo of kid lying on a pig by shesnuckinfuts.
The pig. Nature's dirtiest animal. A euphemism for messy and disgusting. After all, what other animal eats its own feces, outside of Two Girls, One Crap?
Yet, ironically, the pig is a wonderful loving creature in addition to its filthy ways. And pigs offer mankind the one au natural method of losing weight: BACON.
Yes, you read that correctly. According to longtime nutritional expert, Bob Evans, BACON IS THE #1 DIET FOOD OF ALL TIME.
Why? Well, bacon is highest in the best friend of any dieter: FAT. And, yes, even some protein which helps keep your muscles happy.
These unsassailable FACTS might shock you. In fact, you might be thinking "Mike Doe, you are full of it AND I hate you!"
This reaction would not be surprising considering the BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of dollars spent denying, defying and decrying the wonders of LOVELY LUSCIOUS FAT in our foods by the following EVIL LOW-FAT PROFITEERS:
1. Food Manufacturers of high sugar, high calorie junk food
2. Women's Magazines saturated with fat misinformation
3. Anti-Bacon Propagandists posing as nutritionists
4. Lazy Journalists duped by the anti-bacon hype from 1-3.
So don't believe the lies! Load up on bacon. Sizzling greasy bacon is your best friend if you're trying to drop a few pounds. It tastes damn good, the protein will feed your muscles AND the fat will fill you up. And you'll be energized for hours.
Or you could try some low-fat factory "food" and find yourself gorging on entire boxes and bags until you're practically in a diabetic coma.
In other words, it all comes down to a simple choice:
FAT IN YOUR FOOD or FAT ON YOUR ASS?
Photo of Very Cute Bacon-Eating Beach Babes by Chrissy Forte.
BACON: 'CAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!
Mike Doe
in The Book of Doe, Screwed-Up Advice
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15 Comments
Reader Comments (15)
I actually had a coworker one time who was on the extreme Atkins diet. She ate something like 9 pieces of bacon for breakfast and a bunless hamburger for lunch. She lost a lot of weight.The downside is that she smelled funny and is probably now dead from cardiac arrest.
I consume just enough of my favorite pork product to maintain a near toxic sulfite level.
Hola PJ in Austin,
Your concern for your dearly departed former coworker is truly touching! Yes, heart attacks and clogged arteries are always a concern when eating food and such. Perhaps her problem was not eating enough bacon?
Glad to see you're not letting the anti-bacon people stop you from eating bacon altogether. That would be bad! I have to start loading up on bacon myself since beach time is right around the corner.
MMmmm...Bacon: the "Magical Animal"!
Great pic. 5 year old can be heard saying "mom, what does dad mean when he says 'that's how daddy likes 'em'?"
The way I see it is, yes, I may indeed die from a heart attack, but I'll look damn good at my funeral! Mmm, bacon. ;)
"Do I smell a pork product of some sort?"
I LOVE BACON, but I love cake more.
STEP AWAY FROM THE CAKE AND NO-ONE GETS HURT.
Fat on my ass.
YEAH.
Suck it.
(xoxox)
Shylie743,
You are so right! Better to live fast-and-hard in a bacon body. And in a few years, we'll all be getting organ transplants from our clones so who cares about cholesterol and other medical "theories."
GregWillis,
Man, I'm laughing my ass off AGAIN. And, yes, I suspected you'd appreciate "them" too. You have to love what bacon can do for the ladies!
Marv,
Bacon = Magic. Well put, my friend!
aka_monty,
You know I love you, but this time you've gone too far! Choosing cake over bacon? Didn't you see that I quoted a world-class expert? This is too important to leave to amateurs who might just make stuff up!
Mmmmm...chocolate cake! Better make a bacon run...STAT!
Well, it could just be the PMS talking.
OR!
BACON CAKE.
YEAH.
I like it! Bacon cake works for me.
the cake is a lie
Mike, are you calling all cakes liars, or just this particular bacon cake?
Or perhaps you're calling anyone who would choose bacon cake over chocolate cake a liar?
Or maybe, just maybe, you dispute the existence of bacon cake?
Please elaborate and I'll do my best to answer.
The link goes to a MySpace video of pigs that I took at the Los Angeles County fair some time ago.
Perhaps I should re-promote it as a health video.
Or better yet, have Chrissy Forte re-shoot it and add some humans to it.
It's Two Girls 1 Cup, not crap ;)