How to Determine Your Street Name in 5 Easy Steps
It happens to everyone who has ever walked on a city street. And, no, it does not involve dog doo. But the damage can be far worse than a smelly sneaker.
You're on the sidewalk, not stepping into anyone's business, when someone says something to you. They might call you Big Guy if you're tall or fat; or Chicago if you're wearing a Bulls sweatshirt; or even Darth Vader if you look like an unrelenting force for darkness, or the vice president.
Whatever you're called is what's known as your STREET NAME.
As fans of Law & Order and the First 48 already know, every criminal has a Street Name. This lets people know what you're all about...and helps keep your true identity secret. Kind of like a superhero, or a swinger.
But it's not just criminals or even lifelong city residents who have Street Names. You probably have one, too, even if you don't know it yet.
Make no mistake about it. These street names can be pretty harsh, especially if your street-daddy senses any weakness. Instead of Big Guy, think Chump or Highwaters or Ya Dumb Douchebag Mofo.
It only gets worse if you're a female. At best, you'll be called Honey or Nice Jugs or Sweetcheeks. Not so lucky, and you might hear Fatass-and-not-in-a-Good-Way, or Stuck-Up Bitch or, sadly, the quite common Skanky Ho.
That is the reason why I completed this nearly comprehensible FIVE STEP PLAN FOR DETERMINING YOUR STREET NAME:
1. Lose All Distractions: turn off the iPod; ditch your friends or coworkers; ogle no bodies; break out the Q-Tips; rub that wax like you're wishing on a lamp.
2. Use Your Ears, Not Your Eyes: eyeball the wrong people and you'll either get hassled for money or, even worse, someone talking about your mama.
3. Find the Local Hangouts: figure out where people go to do absolutely nothing; park benches, liquor stores, and mom-and-pop shops are good starting points.
4. Walk By Slow & Relaxed: don't forget that you WANT them to notice you; and you have to figure out what the hell they're saying; again, remember rule #2 on no eyeballing.
5. Listen carefully: what do they say as you walk by?
It really is that simple. Hopefully your Street Name is nothing too bad. But even if it is worse than Chump, Douchebag or Darth Vader, never fear. Coming soon, I'll show you how to rehabilitate a lame street name...in 5 easy steps!
UPDATE: Gotten several inquiries from the media (hey, it could happen) and, in the interest of full disclosure: My street name is Got a Quarter. At least that's what the locals call me.
P.S. So what have YOU been called on the street? Special prize will be awarded for the funniest, most outrageous Street Name story!*
*Special prize is a night of boozing in downtown Washington DC with Mike Doe and any other Doe-Nuts who happen to be in the area. Booze is on me as long as you don't sell any photos to the damn paparazzi.
Mike Doe
in The Book of Doe, Screwed-Up Advice
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50 Comments
Reader Comments (50)
Oh my goodness! I actually followed your 5 step process and have a tried and true, bonafide street name!!! It is: Speedy Gonzales.
I'm not playing if I can't win the prize. *pout*
aka_monty,
Hmmm...exceptions CAN be made. C'mon, it'll be fun. Plus this is your chance to prove to the critics that you've actually been on a non-dirt road.
That one is an easy one for me - for the years I lived in a 99% Hispanic neighborhood, with my pale-as-marble complexion and my bleached white hair halfway down my back? They always called me "La Bruja Blanca" - stands for the White Witch - used to make me laugh when they'd use it to scare the children into behaving!
Hmm, I don't listen to what men say to me on the streets. Because they always say something, Maybe that's supposed to be flattering?
Nora Wiles, aka Speedy Gonzales,
Have I mentioned lately that you are rico suave? People who get in your way will be run over like a pinata. Arriba, arriba!
Hola yndygo, aka La Bruja Blanca!
Your story is hilarious...White Witch! You have me doing the old LOL in good old Washington DC.
Speaking of which, you might need to tell me the time of your next visit. It's looking like you might be winning all the tequila shots and margaritas you can drink, on the house.
Hey Jen,
I'm guessing maybe it's a combination of a whistle and a Mamacita! Or how is it different overseas, since you've lived in Sweden and been around Europe? (See, we can class up this site, on rare occasions!)
Does "Hey" count as a street name? The hey was usually followed by some weird pouting of the lips, creepy grin, and raising of the eyebrows. Tell me I won for putting myself through that. ;)
Shylie743,
We're totally drinking even if you don't win. I suggest we focus on the margaritas because tequila shots will knock Mike Doe on his ass!
easymoney
Rick,
Your street name sounds pretty close to mine. Guess maybe they think all I have is a quarter, those judgmental bastards!
I've been called so many names on the street, but I've come to accept and answer to Ms. Tools or Tools Hot Girl which have everything to do with my job. I go around everyday with that damm logo on my breasts. Makita, Bosch and Dewalt all have their days too!
Hi Chalize,
You are the Queen of Jamaica, I'm quite sure! That's funny that your street name is Ms. Tools.
You know, Pamela Anderson got her start on "Home Improvement" as the Tool Time Girl. And she's done pretty well for herself, well, with the exception of the whole Tommy Lee/tattoo needle sharing fiasco!
I seem to have two street names, and I have yet to figure out what causes the switch They are
"Spare change" and "Got a smoke"
I hear other people being called the same name, so I don't feel that special.
How do I get a name of my own?
Got called "Mr. Linen" once on a hot summer day in Boston. Can I help it if I was dressed appropriately?
Got called "The Cash Man" once when I wore a black cowboy hat once in upstate NY. Sigh.
I can't recall any particularly cool street names unfortunately.
Last one I received was a month ago walking by a seedy retro neighborhood bar with a friend in the San Fernando Valley, CA. Drunk guy in front door calls out 'you going skiing?', I guess because we were both wearing beanies. Not sure what that equates to... urbanskiier?
When I lived in Japan it was definitely "Harold". For the longest time I could not understand why kids half a block away would wave and shout "Harold! Harlold!" During the day there were businessmen in suits calling me Harold with short shallow bows. And at night there'd be dudes hanging outside phoneboxes having a wank or sneaking up behind me on midnight lonely roads and grabbing a handful of my arse - they called me Harold too, but in more hushed and deviant urgent tones.
In Australia my street name was/is "Love". Because I have boobs. Everyone with boobs is a Love in Australia.
Here is Indonesia I am "Miss". Sometimes I get 'Bu, but mostly people look at my gormless form and immediately assume I know no Indonesian, so Miss it is.
Back in the day... 'on the playground where I spent most of my days', there was a stretch when I was known by my fellow ballerz as "White Lava". I showcased an up and under Kevin McHale would love, but, sadly, also possessed cement shoes that JoJo the Whale could know so well.
So, there it is. WhiteLava is in the howse!
Hey Greg/White Lava,
Man, laughing here AND totally relating! Back in my hoops days, I used to get Paxon if I made a few shots in a row.
One time I was having an off day and some dude called me Ostertag. Needless to say, it was G-O time! That's going TOO FAR.
Yessir, Mike, kindred spirits of the asphalt we be.
I bet we'd run a sweet high/low game.
Maab/Love/Boobs/.....Harold?
Great stories! Never realized you were such an international traveler. Okay, I get being called "Love" in Australia, having seen Crocodile Dundee and all, but "Harold: in Japan?! Is that the Japanese word for knockers, or any idea why they called you that?
arywah,
"Got a Smoke," eh? Seriously, it's like pirahnas on the attack whenever a person pulls out a cigarette in my neighborhood.
Go Orange,
Mr. Linen is badass! That's like a character in a Quentin Tarantino flick. That'd be a big upgrade on my street name at least.
irSocal,
"Going Skiing" is actually pretty good. Seedy retro bars are good spots to follow the 5-point plan. You're bound to get some comments.
another moment of recall - when the tapeworm died circa '94, the booze started to add some lbs. girl i dated called me "crisco" since i was fat in the can. at least she liked big butts and she did not lie.
Mike, okay I exaggerated a little. But the first few times kids would call out and wave like that from a distance I really did think they were calling me Harold. They were saying "hello". *blush* Their English lessons coming via bad television. :)
Nobody talks to me on the street.I can't even play this game! YOU SUCK!
Nicole, Nicole, Nicole....
Trust me: you DO have a street name. Please, I must insist that you carefully reread the 5-point plan.
It's likely your street name is being whispering it as you pass, perhaps in fear. Listen up. And your secret identity will be revealed!
Harold, Maab!
You had me at "Hello!"
Crisco be cracking a brotha up! Glad to hear your girl liked you even with all the junk in yo' trunk.
Thanks so much, all my senses were on the alert as my walk took me past a liquor store today. Apparently my street name is "What are you doing tonight?"
Hi Mousewords,
Glad you're following the 5-point plan...and getting results! And you've got a fine street name, too. Much better than some of the ones, uh, mentioned in the story.
Hey Gimme-a-Quarter...
My street name is: 'I Pray To Jesus, Hit Me, Hit Me, Not The Old Man!'
I came by the name quite easily. A French-speaking Congolese fellow was trying to sell a golfing estate condo to an old man and his wife.
The old man had seen fit to slam a rubble encrusted brick onto the trunk of my girlfriend's car, cos it was parked on the sidewalk.
'I was almost killed!' said the old man to me, when I confronted him. 'I had to walk into the road, and a car almost killed me!'
And then he started waving his walking stick at me, threatening to hit me with it.
'I don't care if you're old,' I told him. 'If you're gonna hit me with that stick, hit me. And then I'll break every bone in your body!'
With this, the Congolese salesperson leapt into the gap between me and the old man, and fell to his knees in 'prayer'. He kept grabbing my hands as he shouted my street name in a high-pitched, whiney French-African accent.
True story. But I don't drink beer. So you're off the hook.
Blue skies
love
Roy
Apparently mine is "Not in the face!"
The only places I've done much walking around on city streets are San Francisco, Santa Cruz (CA), and Royal Oak, Michigan. I'm a fairly unusual sight -- six foot three, with long black hair, goatee, and a black leather duster -- but people in those towns are so used to weirdness that I don't think anyone bats an eye at my passing.
I do, however, work with half a dozen people from Detroit proper, and one of these co-workers has dubbed me "Shaft" because of the aforementioned coat. :)
Hey Etherius,
Shaft, eh? That is just slightly more badass than "Got a Quarter."
Your next step is getting the ladies in the 303 to sing the Shaft theme song whenever you pass by. Your street cred will skyrocket, although so will the number of fools looking to make a name for themselves at your expense.
Apparently it is "are they twins". Do you think they were talking about my boobs?
Dayngr,
Quite possibly. However, I would need more, uh, information to be certain!
My street name is "Damn, Baby" I have as of yet to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Also the old ladies tend to lean toward "Can't you shut that kid up" which no, I can't he's 4. He will never shut up. EVER.
Dude, look at this one... nudge, nudge. I'd shorten it to Dude, but I'm not a dude.
When my hair was short it was Little Orphan Annie, I guess because I'm small with freckles and red(ish) hair.
There was one day I was working on a job at Broad St in Philly and a homeless man kept calling me 13. I have no clue why but whenever I would go outside I would hear him start yelling, 'Hey, 13, lucky lucky 13, come over here!' I didn't though.
MommasTantrum, aka Damn Baby...
You go, girl! That's a pretty good one. Just so you know, the Spanish version of this is "Mamacita."
As for the nosy old biddies, whatever happened to kindly grandmas just smiling at kids and saying, "Isn't he darling?" like in the old days?
Finn,
Yeah, although girls can be referred to as "dude" these days, or so I've been told.
Your street name is officially "Hey lookie." Better than "Hey Look" which implies a flasher not an appreciative onlooker is doing the talking.
Once, while walking in the busy Lakeview hood here in Chicago, I walked past a guy jingling a cup for change. If I have it, I'll give it, and I did, so I dropped the coins in my pocket into the cup. The man, who I should mention had only one eye, the other was a scar-hole thing with a glitter sticker beside it, jumped up and did a little soft-shoe in front of me as he said, "You tap danced on my shit in my dreams last night and your titties were jangling like like this jangle cup," (shakes cup) "give me a hug, Jangle Titties?"
I did not hug him, per his request, but went about my errand in the area. A short time later, he'd relocated and I again had to walk past him. I figured I was a distant memory, so I started past him and he, sang: "Hey there Jangle Titties! I ain't never f***ed a white lady, but I only got one eye, I'll pretend you're green! Jangle! Jangle! Jangle Titties!"
So, that was fun.
Audrey,
Great story and, yeah, that dude sounds just a wee bit sketchy.
Your street name is "Lucky 13." Go to Vegas with that moniker and you'll never pay for a drink.
Dear Amy,
Holy Jangling T*tties!
After an experience like that -- as if there has ever been another, uh, anything like that on Planet Earth EVER -- you're definitely a different person afterwards, to put it mildly.
When I finally get my little radio show going, you MUST share your "Jangle Titties" story with the people!
You bet. I'd be glad to bring "the adventures of jangle titties" to your adoring public.
so back in the day i was known as Hey You Look Good Today and Can I Get Your Number..so called by some unseemly gentleman. That was mostly followed up with OH You Too Good? The Ladies gave me street cred with the name Bitch.
Nowadays, I mostly stay home. It's too much trouble out there!
Hey Moto62,
Loved your street cred name, although I shan't repeat it for, well, I just wanted to use the word "shan't."
Your official street name is "You Too Good"...without the question mark because those fools didn't (or don't) stand a chance of getting yo' digits!
"Sweetie" is what the street guy around the corner from my office calls me. (He's never seen me in one of my moods.) A kid up the street calls me "hotness." I like that one better.
"Sweetie" ain't bad. Definitely preferable to any street names using the words skanky, bitch or ho, or any combination of the three.
"Hotness" is pretty good. Clearly you got street game, which is a must in this competitive job market.