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Snoop-Dogg and Don Magic Juan: not the names on their birth certificates.

It happens to everyone who has ever walked on a city street. And, no, it does not involve dog doo. But the damage can be far worse than a smelly sneaker.

You're on the sidewalk, not stepping into anyone's business, when someone says something to you. They might call you Big Guy if you're tall or fat; or Chicago if you're wearing a Bulls sweatshirt; or even Darth Vader if you look like an unrelenting force for darkness, or the vice president.

Whatever you're called is what's known as your STREET NAME.

As fans of Law & Order and the First 48 already know, every criminal has a Street Name. This lets people know what you're all about...and helps keep your true identity secret. Kind of like a superhero, or a swinger.

But it's not just criminals or even lifelong city residents who have Street Names. You probably have one, too, even if you don't know it yet.

Make no mistake about it. These street names can be pretty harsh, especially if your street-daddy senses any weakness. Instead of Big Guy, think Chump or Highwaters or Ya Dumb Douchebag Mofo.

It only gets worse if you're a female. At best, you'll be called Honey or Nice Jugs or Sweetcheeks. Not so lucky, and you might hear Fatass-and-not-in-a-Good-Way, or Stuck-Up Bitch or, sadly, the quite common Skanky Ho.

That is the reason why I completed this nearly comprehensible...

FIVE STEP PLAN FOR DETERMINING YOUR STREET NAME:

1. Lose All Distractions: turn off the iPod; ditch your friends or coworkers; ogle no bodies; break out the Q-Tips; rub that wax like you're wishing on a lamp.

2. Use Your Ears, Not Your Eyes: eyeball the wrong people and you'll either get hassled for money or, even worse, someone talking about your mama.

3. Find the Local Hangouts: figure out where people go to do absolutely nothing; park benches, liquor stores, and mom-and-pop shops are good starting points.

4. Walk By Slow & Relaxed: don't forget that you WANT them to notice you; and you have to figure out what the hell they're saying; again, remember rule #2 on no eyeballing.

5. Listen carefully: what do they say as you walk by?

It really is that simple. Hopefully your Street Name is nothing too bad. But even if it is worse than Chump, Douchebag or Darth Vader, never fear. Coming soon, I'll show you how to rehabilitate a lame street name...in 5 easy steps!

UPDATE: Gotten several inquiries from the media (hey, it could happen) and, in the interest of full disclosure: My street name is Got a Quarter. At least that's what the locals call me.

P.S. So what have YOU been called on the street? Special prize will be awarded for the funniest, most outrageous Street Name story!*

See also Foxiest Chick Ever and Floats Like a Butterfly.