Chuck Norris Declares Mike Huckabee President, Promises to Break the Legs of Romney, Giuliani & Democratic Challengers
December 18, 2007 at 12:42PM
Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard it everywhere else, but you're paying attention to it here first: Chuck Norris has declared former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee the winner of the Republican nomination for president of the United States of America.
And Chuck Norris don't play.
In a startling new announcement, Chuck Norris declared, "Anyone who opposes my good friend, President Huckabee, shall suffer my wrath. Just ask those criminals in Texas what a Chuck Norris karate chop feels like. Oh, that's right. You can't. Because every enemy of Chuck Norris is no longer among the living."
Needless to say, the Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani presidential campaigns were quick to respond. In fact, they did so in an unprecedented joint announcement.
Taking the lead, as his way, Rudy Giuliani declared, "Just like on September 11th, I will attend every photo op, wear whatever hard hat, and otherwise appear to do whatever it takes to defeat our sworn enemy: Chuck Norris. The man is practically a terrorist. Trust me, I am Your Leader, and I say so. You should hear his phone calls!"
Added Mitt Romney, "This is indeed true, my fellow Americans. Chuck Norris and his puppet, Huckabee, can no longer be considered good Republicans. They probably support a woman's right to choose, gay rights, and even voted for, ICK, Jimmy Carter!"
Calls to Chuck Norris have so far gone unanswered while Gov. Huckabee was last seen at his tailor getting measured for a new suit, a gift from someone who just likes him for him, not because they're expecting any favors in return.
The Democratic contenders refused to directly comment, although a spokesman for Sen. Barack Obama did say, "This is a sad return to the old-style politics of celebrity endorsements and meaningless platitudes, both of which we strongly oppose."
A spokesperson for Sen. Hillary Clinton had this to say: "Barack Obama's criticism of Chuck Norris, an American hero, shows that he is clearly not read for prime time. Next thing you know, Barack Obama will be criticizing the Pope."
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Editor's Note: Yes, my fellow Americans and illegal aliens, politics is dirtier than ever. Let's contribute, each in our special way. Please join me and share your views on this amazing turn of events. Let the (smartass) commenting commence!
---Mike Doe
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Reader Comments (14)
Thanks for turning me on to this hilarious video...and for taking the hilarity up another notch.
And if that doesn't scare you straight, well, you're not paying attention.
If I had not just survived several years of The Huckster as governor of my state, I would probably find this a whooooole lot funnier.
Things are looking up a LOT around here since he left office. A Hucklebee Presidency? NOT FUNNY.
*shudder*
"There's no chin under Chuck Norris's beard, just another fist" made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Although Chuck could stand to lay off the Crest White Strips for awhile.
And let me take this opportunity to remind everyone that BRUCE LEE TOTALLY PWNED CHUCK'S ASS in "Way Of The Dragon".
I know Bruce is dead, but still.
Who cares if Obama bashes the pope? We've only had one RC president, anyway. And the pope does wear an awfully funny hat.
Jason, thank you for joining the ranks of the Doe-Nuts. This is an honored and honorable title. Please represent the order with all due respect.
And, uh, next time I'm in NYC, it's your call: Boston Creme or jelly-filled!
Belinda "Ninjapoodles" -- Thanks for weighing in with your experience. Since you're one of the few hundred (thousand) or so Arkansasans who visit the site, your opinion is especially valued.
So my major concern relates to his judgment. I mean, what was he thinking with the striped shirts in the family photo? Do we really want HIS finger on the button?
@aka_monty, as per usual, you bring up an excellent point. Why should Chuck Norris's endorsement matter more than Bruce Lee's?
I mean, sure, Chuck Norris is alive, or appears to be, but Bruce Lee was an American, too, and, as you say, a far superior killing machine who kicked Chuck Norris's ass here and back again.
But does this mean Bruce Lee should choose our next president, from the grave, or just that Chuck should have to fight someone else for the right to choose our next president?
Dr. Lenna, highly amusing, but did Barack Obama really bash the Pope, or was it Chuck Norris he was bashing? I mean, if anything, Obama should have to settle it in the cage, or, if he's too much of a scaredy cat, on the catwalk.
I have no further comment about your other allegations about the Pope's funny hat or his dress or his fondness for insanely expensive sweetboy shoes.
Oh, I think Bruce's presidential choice from beyond the grave would have at least the same validity as Chuck's.
:)
Personally I think The Shat should run for president, because I would totally vote for him.
and PS The Hoff still sucks. *snicker*
Vote Huck-Chuck... I mean, I'm just saying...
So aka_monty thinks William Shatner can defeat The Hoff, eh? Well, be careful what you wish for. I do believe we're going to take this to the people.
Not to guarantee victory for The Hoff, but there are many, many Germans who will be flooding this site to vote for their Wunderkind!
Tammy,
The vice presidency will never satisfy the likes of Chuck Norris.
You thought it was bad with Dick Cheney shooting off his gun at old dudes, just wait until Chuck Norris gets frustrated with politics and having to bow down to a mortal man.
One Chuck Norris glare has been known to kill a man, or at least break him in two.
Bahaha. So would Bruce Lee have supported Obama?
I read this: The man is practically a terrorist.
as this: The man is practially a tarotist.
Which made me laugh to think of Chuck Norris throwing down the ol' eight of cups card.