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Highly fertile celebrities Britney Spears, baby daddy K-Fed and sister Jamie Lynn.

The fertility industry is a $500 billion dollar business. (Trust me, I looked it up.) This is a lot of cash spent by couples just to get someone pregnant, something which happens accidentally all the time every day in this country.

So why point out the obvious, Mike Doe? That's not your style!

Glad you asked. We are all about solutions that SAVE YOU MONEY! At long last here is a surefire 7-step fertility program for wannabe baby daddies and baby mamas: "How to Get Pregnant in 3 Weeks or Less."

Oh, and did I mention that THIS PROGRAM IS FREE*?

How to Get Pregnant in 3 Weeks or Less

1. Find a chick (or dude) who's legal; for those of you not from Kentucky, Mississippi, or Thailand, this means that she has to be at least 18...ish.

2. Make sure she wants to be a baby mama and, hence, into the idea of a little one being inside her (intern-inserted joke, my apologies).

3. Load up on adult beverages. The importance of this step cannot be overstated. A healthy buzz is ESSENTIAL to knocking up more than just your respective boot-ies.

4. Quickly drink several of these beverages, preferably at her place with her roommate next door trying to sleep. Cheaper is better; in other words, Smirnoff, not Grey Goose, or, if you prefer malt liquor, a Hurricane not the top-shelf Mickey's.

Okay, feeling slightly drunk? Excceellllent.

5. Now apply these devices very carefully, including all available pills, sponges, IEDs (intern again, uh, unless you like it??), as well as at least two condoms, preferably multi-colored.

6. Now get to it and do it...if you're MAN enough!

Sorry.

7. Pull out before you're about to finish.

And that's it. Smile and smoke a cigar. You're about to be a Daddy or Mommy in 9 months! From personal experience and what friends tell me, it's a sure thing.

Even better, extensive scientific studies conducted in suburban shopping malls absolutely verify that you and your significant other are 95 percent certain to create a little baby, or two, if you follow this 7-step fertility program to the letter.

And if it doesn't work the first time, no big loss, right? Just keep repeating this process every night for three weeks until you make the love connection.

Good luck, enjoy your dough, and feel free to send a few bucks my way. Most importantly, be good to your baby mamas or daddies...and your new young 'uns!

*The program is free once you've sent in your $99.95 application fee.

See also Britney Spears: 24x7.