How to Get Pregnant in 3 Weeks or Less, Guaranteed!
The fertility industry is a $500 billion dollar business. (Trust me, I looked it up.) This is a lot of cash spent by couples just to get someone pregnant, something which happens accidentally all the time every day in this country.
So why point out the obvious, Mike Doe? That's not your style!
Glad you asked. Mike Doe is all about solutions that SAVE YOU MONEY! At long last here is the surefire 7-step fertility program for wannabe baby daddies and baby mamas: "How to Get Pregnant in 3 Weeks or Less."
Oh, and did I mention that THIS PROGRAM IS FREE*?
How to Get Pregnant in 3 Weeks or Less
1. Find a chick (or dude) who's legal; for those of you not from Kentucky, Mississippi, or Thailand, this means that she has to be at least 18...ish.
2. Make sure she wants to be a baby mama and, hence, into the idea of a little one being inside her (intern-inserted joke, my apologies).
3. Load up on adult beverages. The importance of this step cannot be overstated. A healthy buzz is ESSENTIAL to knocking up more than just your respective boot-ies.
4. Quickly drink several of these beverages, preferably at her place with her roommate next door trying to sleep. Cheaper is better; in other words, Smirnoff, not Grey Goose, or, if you prefer malt liquor, a Hurricane not the top-shelf Mickey's.
Okay, feeling slightly drunk? Excceellllent.
5. Now apply these devices very carefully, including all available pills, sponges, IEDs (intern again, uh, unless you like it??), as well as at least two condoms, preferably multi-colored.
6. Now get to it and do it...if you're MAN enough!
Sorry.
7. Pull out before you're about to finish.
And that's it. Smile and smoke a cigar. You're about to be a Daddy or Mommy in 9 months! From personal experience and what friends tell me, it's a sure thing.
Even better, extensive scientific studies conducted in suburban shopping malls absolutely verify that you and your significant other are 95 percent certain to create a little baby, or two, if you follow this 7-step fertility program to the letter.
And if it doesn't work the first time, no big loss, right? Just keep repeating this process every night for three weeks until you make the love connection.
Good luck, enjoy your dough, and feel free to send a few bucks my way. Most importantly, be good to your baby mamas or daddies...and your new young 'uns!
*Program is free once you've sent in your $99.95 application fee.
Mike Doe
in The Book of Doe, Screwed-Up Advice
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13 Comments
Reader Comments (13)
I'm suing. I followed your directions and got TWINS. There wasn't ANYTHING about twins in the fine print. I checked.
And plus there was the whole blindfolding deal. That was NOT in my contract.
Mr. Doe,
We are outraged at your slanderous, libelous and otherwise unscientific and unprofitable assertions about the fertility industry.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Your program is based on lies and falsehoods. You are a bad, bad man!
Mr. Doe, you will be hearing from our attorneys very soon. Cease and desist, post haste. Failure to do so will result in immediate, severe and quite negative consequences!
Ellen Bartlesby
Chief Executive Officer
Babies-R-Us, Inc.
aka_monty,
Twins, eh? So you're saying that you got DOUBLE the value at HALF the price!
You'll be hearing from my local bill collector in a few minutes...and he's got a really sour disposition!
Mike Doe
P.S. Sorry about the blindfold dealio...uh, maybe we can call it even?
P.P.S. And twins are a great thing, usually, except for the evil one.
Ms. Bartlesby,
I have only one thing to say to you: "Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah!"
Unluckily for you, my past has put me in contact with many, many lawyers with more free time than ethics!
See you in court!
Mike Doe
Okay, so I sort of liked the whole blindfolding thing. And MAYBE the handcuffs.
We'll call it a wash.
P.S. Sending you the evil twin.
aka_monty, you are baaaad=)
Perhaps you should send me the GOOD twin, while there's still hope!
No, I want to ruin that one myself. :D
Ah hell.
DeeJay,
So you're saying the program worked?
Ahem.
Yeah.
And your check for $99.95 is in the mail, of course?
Sweet, another satisfied customer!
How'bout I send you a bill for making me remember all that stuff.
>>>>>>> shudder <<<<<<<<<<<<
My sincerest apologies, DeeJay. You know we love you here. Consider your program to be officially comp'd.