« 11 Reasons to Stop Eating Potatoes, OR DIE!!!! »

Newman once had six-pack abs. Then he started eating potatoes.

Potatoes are good. They can be fried, boiled, mashed and molded into an endless variety of flavorful concoctions.

And this is exactly why potatoes are BAD. Very BAD. Potatoes must be STOPPED NOW. Whatever the cost. Or we shall all suffer the consequences!

Let's face it. Our country's growing fatter by the second. If you doubt it, open your eyes. See the big bellies and blubber-butts now found on 91 percent of Americans...and that's just the flight attendants.

And potatoes are the primary reason. Don't believe it? Just think about all the potato chips, french fries, mashed potatoes and freedom fries you've gorged on over the years. Ever find yourself in the middle of a late-night tofu binge? Super-sizing your house salad? No, of course not. That would be literally INSANE.

Unless you are Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, you likely are TOO FAT!

And who's to blame for this blubbery mess?

Well, it ain't me. And it probably ain't you.

POTATOES ARE TO BLAME.

Here are 11 reasons to stop eating potatoes, immediately!

1. Potatoes are chockfull of tasty yet unfulfilling carbs; you can (AND WILL) eat them forever and NEVER GET FULL!

2. Potatoes is difficult to spell; feeling dumb makes people EAT MORE!

3. Potatoes are often fried in fatty oils and vinegars; this leads to GREASY STAINS!

4. Potatoes are naturally dirty...REALLY DIRTY!

5. Potatoes taste particularly good with butter; butter is MILK GONE BAD!

6. Potatoes can be used to kill or maim. Don't believe it? Ask someone to throw a tuber at your melon from 10 feet away. Then we'll talk about this DEADLY KILLER!

7. Potatoes require cleaning which uses up valuable H2O...WATER THIEVERY!

8. Potatoes are grown in lush green fields that could better be used for cemetaries or COUNTRY CLUBS!

9. Potatoes taste BAD RAW!

10. Potatoes give people really fat asses; and this inevitably leads to TIGHT SPANDEX ON FAT CHICKS!

And, finally...

11. Potatoes are God's way of saying to poor people who would much rather be eating steak tartare or caviar...TOUGH TITTIES!

See also Vodka: The Healthy Choice.