11 Reasons to Stop Eating Potatoes, OR DIE!!!!
Potatoes are good. They can be fried, boiled, mashed and molded into an endless variety of flavorable concoctions.
And this is exactly why potatoes are BAD. Very BAD. Potatoes must be STOPPED NOW. Whatever the cost. Or we shall all suffer the consequences!
Let's face it. Our country's growing fatter by the second. If you doubt it, open your eyes. See the big bellies and blubber-butts now found on 91 percent of Americans...and that's just the flight attendants.
And potatoes are the primary reason. Don't believe it? Just think about all the potato chips, french fries, mashed potatoes and freedom fries you've gorged on over the years. Ever find yourself in the middle of a late-night tofu binge? Super-sizing your house salad? No, of course not. That would be literally INSANE.
Unless you are Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, you likely are TOO FAT!
And who's to blame for this blubbery mess?
Well, it ain't me. And it probably ain't you.
POTATOES ARE TO BLAME.
Here are 11 reasons to stop eating potatoes, immediately!
1. Potatoes are chockfull of tasty yet unfulfilling carbs; you can (AND WILL) eat them forever and NEVER GET FULL!
2. Potatoes is difficult to spell; feeling dumb makes people EAT MORE!
3. Potatoes are often fried in fatty oils and vinegars; this leads to GREASY STAINS!
4. Potatoes are naturally dirty...REALLY DIRTY!
5. Potatoes taste particularly good with butter; butter is MILK GONE BAD!
6. Potatoes can be used to kill or maim. Don't believe it? Ask someone to throw a tuber at your melon from 10 feet away. Then we'll talk about this DEADLY KILLER!
7. Potatoes require cleaning which uses up valuable H2O...WATER THIEVERY!
8. Potatoes are grown in lush green fields that could better be used for cemetaries or COUNTRY CLUBS!
9. Potatoes taste BAD RAW!
10. Potatoes give people really fat asses; and this inevitably leads to TIGHT SPANDEX ON FAT CHICKS!
And, finally...
11. Potatoes are God's way of saying to poor people who would much rather be eating steak tartare or caviar...TOUGH TITTIES!
Mike Doe
20 Comments
Reader Comments (20)
where'd you get that picture of my ass?
Mike Doe,
I have seen you eating potato puffs, potato chips, tater tots, fried potatoes, french fried potatoes, baked potatoes, potato skins, potato chips and sweet potato pie....
The point being...YOU DON'T WALK YOUR (TRASH) TALK!
Now if you started badmouthing green vegetables, you'd have some credibility=)
aka_monty, You so crazy!
Everyone knows you are, without a doubt, the sexiest redneck mama on the radio!
You forgot that most potatoes come from Utah- potatoes might be the CAUSE of POLYGAMY!
Baja Loretta, you might have a point. Emphasis on "might" because, let's face it, your attacks on my personal character and eating habits were downright crude and vitriolic!
Luckily for you, truthiness is protection against libel in this country. Or my legal team would be filing papers on you. Oh yeah, lots of papers!
Clockwork Ange, it is true that Utah is fighting Idaho and possibly Ireland for worldwide potato dominance. However, I'd have to see some research before I will concede you are 100 percent correct on the polygamy issue.
However, your credentials on this subject cannot be challenged. And your use of all-caps is convincing. Ah, what the hell, you're probably right!
Major correction: Most potatoes come from IDAHO - known more for neo-nazi extremists than for polygamists. Is there a link to potatoes? Could be!
Polygamists are caused by more polygamists.
If you want to be serious and whatnot, potatoes have the same effect on one's blood sugar as eating spoonfuls of sugar (a.k.a. a bad one).
Then again, I can eat about a pound of potatoes in one sitting, and, as we have discussed earlier, I am skinny.
Lillian, you, too, make a persuasive case and are clearly an expert. However, your argument is weakened by your lack of all-caps.
As someone who's never been to either state, the court of Mike Doe will have to hear more argument before a verdict may be reached.
On the Idaho point, I'll have to politely disagree. Mike Doe's official samurai-photographer, Nora Wiles, is a proud Idahoan and, as regulars to the site know, she is well-versed in ultimate fighting, not to mention her freaky scary sword collection.
Doc Lenna, thank you for your medical diagnosis: potatoes are THE DEVIL!
And it's true, for everyone else, Doc is indeed skinny. Although she, too, is a proud swordswoman, which seems to be a growing and disturbing trend here!
Apparently you have never been to Idaho, those fields would not do so well as golf courses unless you are a mega water thief.
Artifishall,
Yes, it's true. I have yet to visit the great potato state. Perhaps, after all, there would not be much of a market for country clubs.
But wouldn't proximity to potato fields lead to a greatly increased mortality rate for Idahoans, which would naturally increase cemetary usage. Potato fields could be converted to cemetaries, and everyone would be less-fat and more-happy!
Are you calling me fat? You jerk...
(kidding, kind of)...looks like I've got some potatoes to throw out and some tofu to buy so I can binge....
Sarah, aka MyFickleMind,
If you're going to "binge," I recommend the greatest food of all: BACON. It's tasty AND will fill you up, without all the economic, environmental, moral and other problems associated with tubers.
like i says before, you can't separate a healthy irish girl like myself from her potatoes. unless it were from my cold, dead hands.
but why would i be holding a potato? so many questions.
JustTooRad,
As an Irish girl, your attachment to the potato is understandable, historical and possibly genetic.
In ancient times, Irishmen and lassies would actually use potatoes in battle, much like their enemies, the British, used cannons and muskets and such.
I can say this because it's possible I'm part Irish.
Potatoes are good for you if baked broiled or roasted. Its not potatoes that need to be stopped. It's Americas desire to fry every god damn thing.
Josh,
Mmmm...french fried potato chips! Dude, not saying you're wrong, on a taste perspective, but the potatoes are helping to tear this country apart. We need UNITY, not division. And HOPE, not despair.
Potatoes must be stopped, or there's no telling how far our beloved country will go down...the tubers!
Potatoes are confusing. Now i want some Puddy Tat from my local "Chinese Restaurant"
Mike Aka Mike,
I'm laughing and yet, if you're as like me as your name would indicate, I know you're not completely joking. Are you sure you're not me? I'm kinda freaked out.
You're not talking about Chinatown in Washington, DC, are you? That's Puddy Tat central, sad to say.