Take the Walk of Shame Down Memory Lane With Britney Spears!
December 1, 2008 at 05:09PM
10:45am: Britney Spears gets a police escort as she exits LAX.
11:01am: Oops! Britney Spears remembers she left her bra in the airplane bathroom. Again.
11:20am: Britney Spears pumps gas for the paparazzi. Like a regular person.
11:30-11:31am: Oops! Britney Spears remembers she forgot her panties in the airplane bathroom. Again.
1:00-1:15pm: Britney Spears exercises in preparation for her session.
1:20-3:00pm: Britney Spears tans in preparation for her session.
3:00-3:15pm: Britney Spears carefully inspects her tans lines in preparation for her session.
3:15-3:18pm: Britney Spears has her session. With some dude.
3:18-3:25pm: Britney Spears does the walk of shame. Or pretends to.
4:52pm: Britney Spears gives the middle finger. To her fans. The paparazzi.
5:52pm: Photo of Britney Spears nipples. Which are nowhere to be found.
6:52pm: Britney Spears looking pretty in pink.
6:52pm: Britney Spears not looking pretty in pink. From a different angle.
8:02-8:52pm: Britney Spears gives herself a Brazilian. On her head.
9:30-10:12pm: Britney Spears gives us the evil eyes.
11:30-11:59pm: Britney Spears attacks the paparazzi. For caring too much.
Yoda Has Poor Grammar and Smells Like Old People
November 30, 2008 at 06:22PM 
Size matters not, taught Yoda. But matters indeed, the motion of the ocean.
Yoda, powerfully annoying you have become, the douche I sense in you.
Grave danger you are in, Yoda. For I will kick you far. Like an Ewok.
Smells like old people, Yoda does.
And if more Yoda evidence, need you, this video clip, watch, you should. The Empire Strikes Back, it's from.
An Ode to True Love and Love Dolls, Not Necessarily in that Particular Order
November 29, 2008 at 12:29AM 
Will Ferrell shares a post-coital cuddle with his Love Doll in Old School.
As literate individuals with Internet access and the free time to goof around on this site, we have much to be thankful for: life, liberty, relatively cheap beer and -- if you're like me and live in a heavily populated, transient urban center -- undeserved access to a bevvy of morally flexible chicks lacking in self-esteem, judgment and better things to do.
Ah, yes, you gotta love the chat rooms, baby!
But of course I kid. For I am not actually talking about cheap, tawdry affairs characterized mainly by lust and, later, an unpleasant itch; no, indeed; for it is true love that we all yearn for. Those of use lucky enough to have experienced this wonderful feeling know that it is sometimes accompanied by sex that you don't always have to pay for.
But sadly, sometimes one finds oneself lacking a true loving companion, or anyone else willing to do the deed for free, so we find ourselves researching our options.
For many of you, the best option has turned out to be THE LOVE DOLL. "The Love Doll is man's noblest invention since the thesaurus and quickie divorces," noted the famed political philosopher, philanderer and moralist Newt Gingrich.
And on this particular issue alone, Newt Gingrich is not talking out of his ass. The Love Doll manufacturing industry now rivals automobiles and fake wieners in their importance to the U.S. Gross Domestic Product. In 2007 alone, it accounted for $11.7 billion in domestic sales and almost $5 billion in foreign sales. And that is not counting France.
So what does it all mean? Rather than make some more stuff up, I'd like to quote the words of the world's first, most famous and, assuming she is still alive, oldest sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "Love Dolls are practically a requirement for a happy marriage in zee 21st century. You must make zee love to your spouse exactly like you would make zee love to your Love Doll. This will make all three of you happier in zee long run."
Not Dr. Ruth, but close enough.
Well said, Dr. Ruth. You tiny, sexy, sawed-off octogenarian runt, ya. But if you were 60 years younger, well, I still wouldn't bang you. Well, not sober anyway. Knock on wood.
Sexy Victoria's Secret Bikini Models Or a Shameless Attempt to Exploit Hot Chicks for Ill-Gotten Gains?
November 25, 2008 at 04:59AM 
Super sexy Victoria's Secret models strut their stuff for world peace.
If this post is wrong, then wrong is no longer right.
The morally dubious photo above has been roundly condemned by certain self-righteous political commentators -- no need to name names (SARAH PALIN and JOE THE PLUMBER) as "shameless" and "exploitative" and "not representing real Americans."
However, this very photo has at the same time also been roundly praised by a certain alleged comedian -- who shall remain obscure -- who has called the Victoria's Secret bikini models everything from SEXY to SEXAY. And even DAMN.
When all is said and done, who is to say who is right or wrong, really? Let's just enjoy the lewdness and so-called lasciviousness, shall we, and drink up. That way none of us can ever really go wrong. Or do anything morally dubious.
EXPOSED: A Day in the Life of Paris Hilton...with Paparazzi AND Groupie Photos!
November 21, 2008 at 03:44AM 
Paris Hilton likes to roll in the hay.
11:45am: Paris Hilton awakes after a wild night of partying. She is not hungover because she does not drink alcohol.
Paris Hilton gets a Brazilian wax job almost every day.
2:30pm: Paris Hilton swims in the ocean for her first paparazzi shoot of the day. She also inspects herself below deck and appears somewhat displeased at what she sees, perhaps necessitating another Brazilian later in the day.
Paris Hilton believes in tanning every day.
2:38pm: After her refreshing ocean photo shoot, Paris Hilton returns to the beach where she works on her golden tan.
Paris Hilton is obsessed with orange dresses.
3:27pm: Paris Hilton is a strong believer in looking wholesome for at least one photo shoot per day.
Paris Hilton wears sunglasses after not drinking the night before.
4:51pm: Paris Hilton puts on some very classy sunglasses and her second orange couture dress of the day.
The paparazzi like to photograph Paris Hilton below deck.
6:05pm: Paris Hilton walks slowly minus underwear and hair for her third paparazzi photo shoot of the day.
Paris Hilton likes to think about stuff at her office.
6:32pm: Paris Hilton gets ready for her big press conference to promote her crappy CD.
Paris Hilton made a crappy CD.
7:15pm: Paris Hilton holds a copy of the one and only CD she managed to sell.
Paris Hilton owns several evening dresses.
8:01pm: Paris Hilton looks delish in her pre-fashion-runway-show soiree dress.
Paris Hilton likes to look sexy on the catwalk.
8:45pm: Paris Hilton dons her high heels, a dress, and no underwear for a good cause: fashion!
Paris Hilton likes to hang out at classy nightclubs.
10:23pm: Paris Hilon is SO HAWT!
Paris Hilton likes to wear sexy bunny Halloween costumes.
10:40pm: Paris Hilton walks the red carpet as she heads to an A-List Halloween party.
Exclusive photo of Paris Hilton NAKED.
10:41pm: Paris Hilton rarely takes off her clothes.
Creepy celebrity dudes flock to Paris Hilton.
11:58pm: Paris Hilton tries to avoid Pauly Shore...ewwww!
Paris Hilton with her BFF Nicole Richie on the open road.
1:38am: Paris Hilton rides her motorcycle with Nicole Richie to a party!
Paris Hilton sports some serious you know what.
1:53am: Sadly, Paris Hilton gets pulled over by the police. She had nothing to drink so she was okay. Nonetheless, the cops arrested her because she was a celebrity and they were trying to make an example of her.
Paris Hilton looks fabulous in mugshots.
2:35am: Paris Hilton believes in always looking fabulous, whatever the occasion. And she does!
Some Classic Chris Farley Videos Found In a Van Down By the River
November 17, 2008 at 02:32PM 
Chris Farley, aka Tommy Boy, prepares to get his drink on.
It's still hard to believe that Chris Farley is no longer around. Especially since Tommy Boy and Billy Madison get played at least ten times a week. At my house.
Below are some of Chris Farley's funniest sketches from his days on Saturday Night Live. Enjoy them but, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT SMOKE THE DOOBIES.
Motivational speaker Matt Foley, aka Chris Farley, leaves his van down by the river to speak out against being a slacker. And smoking the doobies.
See female Gap employees Chris Farley, David Spade and Adam Sandler fight over local sleazebag-slash-Don-Juan Alec Baldwin.
Chris Farley pees on Johnny Carson!
Slow starting but hilarious, Chris Farley and Adam Sandler do this infomercial for The Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service.
For the love of God, let the boy watch your house!
Chris Farley was one funny mofo. Be sure to pour one for our comedy homie, the next time you're pouring one for your homies on lock. He was one of the all-time greats. Except for Beverly Hills Ninja. But what the hell? That's why pencils have erasers!
Chris Farley, you da man.
Animal House: John Belushi in the Funniest Pillow Fight in Movie History
November 17, 2008 at 01:08AM 
John Belushi, aka Bluto Blutarsky, prepares to witness history.
Animal House is known for its many important, groundbreaking achievements in cinematic history. This crazy expose of college fraternity life helped launch the comedic careers of John Belushi and Harold Ramis, not to mention the goofball who played Flounder, and last and certainly least, Kevin Bacon.
Seriously, kid you not. Kevin Bacon played an uptight douchebag, as easy as that is to believe. If you still doubt The Doe, click here.
Most importantly, though, besides being funny as hell, Animal House features the funniest and, uh, most cinematically important pillow fight scene in the history of the world. Yes, it is that good.
Mainly it's funny for Belushi's reactions. Also, you need to be a Hulu member because of the boob action so you'll need to sign up, but it's free and only takes 10 seconds so what the hell.
Enjoy and feel free to bookmark for later, uh, study. Ya weirdos!
Just Another Saturday Night Filled with Strippers, Vanilla Ice, Mini-Me and Scarlett Johansson
November 16, 2008 at 08:25PM 
It's been nine months since my last visit to a strip club.
Scarlett Johansson was not at the strip club.
Mini-Me and his groupie entourage might have been at the strip club.
The douchebag Vanilla Ice WAS at the strip club.
We drank lots of vodka.
And sang this song in the VIP room.
These tourists might have been at the strip club. It's tough to say.
Someone had a lot to drink. Like this guy.
Pam Grier Is THE #1 Badass Foxy Mama of All Time
November 14, 2008 at 08:00PM 
There can be only one.
And if you're a fan of movies, amazingly hot chicks, or just badass people in general, you know it's Pam Grier: the #1 badass foxy mama in movie history.
Pam Grier made her fame by starring in virtually every blaxploitation film in the 1970s, or at least the bad-meaning-good ones, where she inspired shock-and-awe by shaking her moneymaker and talking smack, all the while kicking ass and taking names -- and clothes off -- AND killing any fools who needed killing while she was at it.
Pam Grier proved it was possible to strut standing still.
In Coffy, Pam Grier goes undercover as a faux-ho to avenge her sister's death from drugs. In addition to catfighting the stable of hoes seen above, she shoots down a drug-dealing pimp, her crooked politician boyfriend and, oh yeah, some crooked-ass cops to boot. And to answer your questions: 1) yes, all is revealed; and 2) yes, they are REAL and they are SPECTACULAR.
Pam Grier had perhaps the greatest -- and most badass -- real celebrity boobs in history. At least up until this point. No offense, Natalie Portman.
Still a total badass hottie 25 years later, Pam Grier starred in Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown.
Case closed.
Three Sexy Nurses Win Prize for Best Halloween Costumes
November 14, 2008 at 04:07AM 
Even healthcare professionals are throwing gang signs these days.
Why does this photo make me so happy?
Dead silence punctuated with eye rolls or possibly people saying, "Get to the point" perhaps further punctuated with the words "dude," "Doe" and possibly, although hopefully not, "douchebag."
Well, perhaps it's my longstanding admiration for the hard-working nurses across this fine nation and, indeed, the whole world who every day help to save lives and reduce pain and suffering and...
Okay, screw it, time for the straight DOpE.
And I am sorry for the DOpE thing. It just occurred to me and, well, it's ridiculously late and my inner editor is asleep on the bed next to me. And sadly it's some dopey-looking dude who looks a lot like like me, rather than one or more of the nurses above or basically any of the chicks in the sidebar to the right. Or Natalie Portman and Sarah Silverman on the far right.
But enough digressing, it's time for the confessing.
And, again, my apologies.
My confession, finally, is that I, Mike Doe, am afflicted with the sexy nurse fetish. No, I do not require my girlfriends, whether long-term or merely convenient, or even prospective groupies, for that matter, to pose in sexy nurse costumes or, uh, role play as doctor-nurse or the less common nurse-patient, but I would be very unlikely to say nay, or otherwise do the wrong thing and deny such a request if it were to come along.
For the love of Doe, ladies, do the right thing! Or not the right thing. You know what I mean. Allegedly. HINT HINT!
As for the sexy nurses above, well, they might be real nurses, or just hot chicks on Halloween. Who can say for certain? Either way, they are now officially winners of the Best Halloween Costume prize, which is still yet to be determined, according to a recent survey of Doe-Nuts. Taken just now.