As for getting a bigmouth to actually STOP TALKING? Well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Because they sure won't. Those damn never-shut-the-hell-up bigmouths!
1. Generally speaking, he’s generally speaking.
2. He’s a sound speaker – and, oh, those sounds.
3. His idea of conversation is a filibuster.
4. His word is never done.
5. Is she breathtaking! Every few hours she stops talking and takes a breath.
6. He’s the type who approaches every subject with an open mouth.
7. What he needs is a little lockjaw.
8. He may be down, but he’s never out-talked.
9. He should rent his mouth out as a fly-catcher.
10. She not only has the last word, but the last 5,000.
11. Her vocabulary is small, but the turnover is terrific.
12. His mouth is so big, he can whisper in his own ear.
13. He’s like a shirt button – always popping off.
14. She’s always giving everyone a preamble to her constitution.
15. Her tongue is so long, she can seal an envelope after she puts it in the mailbox.
16. He could talk his head off and never miss it.
17. Her laryngitis is the wages of din.
18. He reminds you of a clarinet – a wind instrument.
19. He has to be eschewed if you don’t want to be chewed.
20. She has a nice, open face – open day and night.
21. She has a chronic speech impediment – palpitation of tongue.
22. He thinks it’s more blessed to be glib than to perceive.
23. The only thing that can cheat her out of a last word is an echo.
24. Try to argue with him, and his words will flail you.
25. When you get away from him, you feel like a fugitive from a chin gang.
26. She’s an oft-spoken person.
27. He’s a man of a few words – a few million.
28. Why, it takes him a half-hour just to say “Hello.”
29. He speaks eight languages, but can’t hold his tongue in one.
30. Everyone calls her “Amazon” – she’s so big at the mouth.
31. They call her “Flo” because she talks in a steady stream.
32. Her mind is always on the tip of her tongue.
33. With him, you can’t be on speaking terms – unless you’re on listening terms.
34. The last time anyone saw a mouth like his, it had a fishhook in it.
35. She throws her tongue in high gear before her brain is turning over.
36. Every time she sets her trap for a man, she forgets to shut it.
37. If exercise eliminates fat, how in the world did she get that double chin?
38. What he lacks in depth, he makes up in length – of his tongue.
39. He knows very little, but he knows it mighty fluently.
40. She’s suffering in silence – her phone is out of order.
41. He has let his mind go blank, but has forgotten to turn off the sound.
42. He’s a freight train of wordage – with no terminal facilities.
43. It took her surgeon an hour to perform the operation – it’ll take her months to describe it.
44. He thinks the world will beat a path to his door because he’s built a better claptrap.
45. The way she monopolizes the party line, if anyone needs a doctor they have to put an ad in the paper.
46. He’s very broad-minded – he approaches every question with an open mouth.
47. You couldn’t get a word in with her even if you folded it in two.
48. His body is getting shorter, but his anecdotes are growing longer.
49. Her favorite expression is “Oh, I’m speechless!” If she’d only stay that way.
And last but not least...
50. When all is said and done – he just keeps on talking.
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For funny insults for bigmouths, click here.
For funny insults for big drinkers, click here.
For funny insults for egomaniacs, click here.
And for George Carlin's 50 funniest jokes, click here. ]]>
But their boring omnipresence in pop culture and, uh, certain people's lives, uh, not naming names, does NOT mean we have to take their boring shit lying down. Here are 50 funny insults we found at Joke-Fu that will empower you to insult the boring people in your life, or on your TV.
1. Only his varicose veins save him from being completely colorless.
2. If you’re enjoying yourself in his company, it’s all you’re enjoying.
3. He believes that no matter how crowded a gathering may be, there’s room for one bore.
4. He’s so dull, he can’t even entertain a doubt.
5. Monopologues are his specialty.
6. People and things are here today and gone tomorrow, but he’s here today and here tomorrow.
7. He always has a lot of get-up-and-go except when it’s time to get up and go.
8. As a guest, his shortcoming is his long staying.
9. As guests go, you wish he would.
10. He’s the kind of neighbor who can get to your house in a minute and out of it in hours.
11. He comes into a room dragging his tale behind him.
12. He can stay longer in an hour that most people do in a week.
13. He’s a great athlete – he can throw a wet blanket the entire length of the room.
14. When there’s nothing more to be said, he’s still saying it.
15. He not only monologizes a subject, he monotonizes it.
16. If you see two fellows together and on looks bored, he’s the other.
17. He has a wide circle of nodding acquaintances.
18. You have to watch his finger closely – it fits into any buttonhole.
19. He’s hither, thither, and yawn.
20. There’s no doubt he’s trying – in fact, he’s very trying.
21. His conversations are on a boast-to-boast hookup.
22. He deprives you of privacy without providing you with company.
23. He’s interesting to a point – the point of a departure.
24. As his host, you wish he would leave and let live.
25. He lights up a room when he leaves it.
26. He says a thousand things, but he never says “goodbye.”
27. He not only encroaches on your time, he trespasses on eternity.
28. No one is his equal in keeping a conversation ho-humming.
29. He’s full of sayings that should go without saying.
30. He’s as stimulating as a mouthful of sawdust and water.
31. He’s as dull as a fat lapdog after dinner.
32. The older he gets, the further he descends into his anecdotage.
33. He can wrap up a one-minute idea in a one-hour vocabulary.
34. He has a diarrhea of words and a constipation of ideas.
35. He’s such a bore, he couldn’t get anyone into his fall-out shelter during a nuclear attack.
36. You don’t know what makes him tick, but you wish it was a time bomb.
37. He never opens his mouth unless he has nothing to say.
38. He wearies you with the patter of little feats.
39. He can more out of surgical operation than even Adam did.
40. It’s amazing how he manages to enter a room voice first.
41. He’s very cultured – he can bore you on any subject.
42. As a host, he makes his company feel at home, and that’s where they wish they were.
43. He throws the kind of party that’s a fete worse than death.
44. His parties are so dull and quiet, you can hear a pun drop.
45. He’s a socialite – one of the Bore Hundred.
46. He gets offended when others talk while he’s interrupting.
47. He leaves little to your imagination, and even less to your patience.
48. He’s Rosie O’Donnell boring.
49. He’s more boring than The View.
50. I’d kill to escape his company. Literally.
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For funny insults for big drinkers, click here.
For funny insults for egomaniacs, click here.
And for George Carlin's 50 funniest jokes, click here. ]]>
With that in mind, the 50 funny jokes below are some of the best insults for drunks we could find at Joke-Fu. Enjoy and happy drinking-slash-friend insulting!
1. He’s suffering from bottle fatigue.
2. His friend’s done know what to get him for Christmas, because they don’t know how to wrap up a saloon.
3. His wife never worries about germs when he kisses her – he’s boiled most of the time.
4. He can get loaded on Scotch tape.
5. He’s drinking to forget. The way he’s going at it, he should have complete amnesia in a week.
6. Life for him is matter of urps and downs.
7. Who says he’s a hard drinker? He does that easier than anything.
8. He’s working his way down from bottoms up.
9. He drinks like a fish – too bad he doesn’t drink what fishes drink.
10. When he drinks, he loses his inhibitions and gives exhibitions.
11. He enjoys cocktail parties where drinks mix people.
12. With him, two pints make one cavort.
13. He’d rather be tight than President.
14. His favorite drink is the next one.
15. He’s a man of high fidelity – staggers home to his wife every night.
16. He’s sot in his ways.
17. They’re going to star him in a movie called “The Unquenchables.”
18. If it wasn’t for the olives in the martinis, he’d starve to death.
19. He’s spoiling his health, drinking to everyone else’s.
20. He enters a bar optimistically, and comes out misty optically.
21. He’s divorcing his wife because she has a sobering effect on him – she hides the bottles.
22. He’s drinking doubles – and seeing the same way.
23. With him, every day is an alcoholiday.
24. He graduated magna cum loaded.
25. He’s writing his autobiography, but it’s a hundred quarts too long.
26. His wife is sticking to him through thick and gin.
27. His idea of a corking good time is uncorking.
28. Drinking doesn’t just drown his troubles – it irrigates them.
29. He’d be the nicest guy on two feet if he could only stay there.
30. As a kid they called him, “Half—pint,” but he grew up to be a full quart.
31. He can always beer up under misfortune.
32. He thinks Beethoven’s Fifth is a bottle.
33. He’s been classified 4A – he’s been turned down four times by Alcoholics Anonymous.
34. He’s never been able to join Alcoholics Anonymous – he’s never been sober enough to memorize the pledge.
35. Two Scotchmen are ruining him – Haig & Haig.
36. He has the cutest trick. He walks down the street and turns into a saloon.
37. He always staggers home the shortest distance between two pints.
38. He always make s a New Year’s resolution to stop drinking that goes in one year and out the other.
39. Those hiccups of his are merely messages from departed spirits.
40. He approaches you from several different directions at once.
41. He puts vitamins in his gin so he can build himself up while tearing himself down.
42. His idea of a balanced diet is a highball in each hand.
43. He’s so high, if you smell his breath you get a nosebleed.
44. After work he always stops at a bar for an hour and quart.
45. He can empty a bottle as quick as a flask.
46. He has Saloon Arthritis – every night he’s stiff in another joint.
47. He’s drinking something called “Old Maid” – it has no chaser.
48. He’s drinking something called “Card Table” – a couple of them, and his legs fold right up under him.
49. He has a red nose, a white liver, a green brain, a dark-brown breath, and a blue outlook.
And last but not least...
50. Every New Year he resolves not to drink any more, just about the same.
----------
For funny insults for egomaniacs, click here.
And for George Carlin's 50 funniest jokes, click here. ]]>
That being the case. The fifty jokes below are some of the funniest insults for egomaniacs we could find at Joke-Fu. Enjoy and use them at your discretion. Some egomaniacs still, uh, sign your paychecks!
1. His head is getting too big for his toupee.
2. His egotism is a plain case of mistaken nonentity.
3. Every time he opens his mouths, he puts his feats in.
4. He doesn’t want anyone to make a fuss over him – just to treat him as they would any other great man.
5. He’s a real big gun – of small caliber and immense bore.
6. If he had his life to live over again, he would still fall in love with himself.
7. He thinks it’s a halo, but it’s only a swelled head.
8. If his halo falls one more inch, it will be a noose.
9. He’s a so big-headed, he can’t get an aspirin to fit him.
10. He’s so conceited, he has his X-rays retouched.
11. Every time he looks in the mirror, he takes a bow.
12. He’s carrying on a great love affair – unassisted.
13. His wife worships him – and so does he.
14. Be careful when you’re speaking about him – you’re speaking of the man he loves.
15. He’s always letting off esteem.
16. He thinks he’s such a shining light, he hands you sunglasses when you look at him.
17. His conceit is the tribute of a fool.
18. He’s all wrapped up in himself, but he makes a pretty small package.
19. He didn’t just grow with responsibility – he bloated.
20. You could make a fortune renting his head out as a balloon.
21. Success turned his head. Too bad it didn’t wring his neck a little.
22. He thinks he’s a big shot just because he explodes.
23. It’s a wonder such a big head holds such a little mind.
24. His ego is the only thing about him that kept growing without nourishment.
25. He has a 5 ft. 6 in. height and a 6 ft. 5 in. ego.
26. He’s such a big-shot executive, a spiritualist will never be able to contact him.
27. His secretary will have to be contacted first.
28. You can’t help admiring him. If you don’t, you’re fired.
29. You can’t get anywhere with him by shaking his hand when he puts it out – you have to kiss it.
30. He doesn’t like yes-men around. When he says “No,” he wants them to say “No.”
31. He always tells his staff, “Of course, it’s only a suggestion, but let’s not forget who’s making it.”
32. He likes you to come right out and say what you think, when you agree with him.
33. He’s easily entertained. All his staff has to do is just listen to him.
34. He has a colored self-portrait of himself.
35. He’s suffering from infantuation.
36. Tell him he’s brilliant and he says, modestly, “I’ll bet you tell that to everyone who’s brilliant.”
37. He’s so ostentatious , if he ever became an alcoholic, he’d never be admitted to Alcoholics Anonymous.
38. He’s suffering from I-dolatry.
39. He’s an I-soar.
40. His I’s are too close together.
41. He’s an I-specialist.
42. He’s suffering from I-strain.
43. He’s a fellow with big I’s who doesn’t think of U.
44. When he meets another egotist, it’s an I for an I.
45. He’s a celebrity – spelled “swellebrity.”
46. He’s a self-made man who looks more like a warning than an example.
47. He’s a self-made man who would have done better if he had let out the contract.
48. He’s a self-made man who has no rivals – in love of himself.
49. He’s a self-made man who would have been better off if he hadn’t been made at all.
50. He’s a self-made man who should have consulted an expert.
1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two leg, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
He left the farm because he was sure that the Man with the Hoe doesn’t get nearly as far as the Man with the Hokum.
Click for: 1) Funny Jokes; 2) Standup Comedy; 3) Screwed-Up Advice.]]>
He has the kind of checkered career that’s bound to end up in a striped suit.
Click for: 1) Funny Jokes; 2) Standup Comedy; 3) Screwed-Up Advice. ]]>
He says he has followed the Ten Commandments all his life. Too bad he never managed to catch up with them.
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He believes in free speech – especially long distance phone calls on other people’s phones.
Click for: 1) Funny Jokes; 2) Standup Comedy; 3) Screwed-Up Advice. ]]>
If you lend him your garden rake, he comes back for a mower.
Click for: 1) Funny Jokes; 2) Standup Comedy; 3) Screwed-Up Advice. ]]>