No one is more frequently unasked questions by the media than yours truly. Every time a major event happens, you can bet on four things:

1) I won't be asked any questions by the media;

2) I will be throwing my hands in the air;

3) It will seem like I just don't care;

4) I will say something profound like "Shit happens, dude."

Below are some of the questions I am not asked by the media more than any other. In case you're wondering.

1) Who do you think will win the election? Money talks.

2) Why are gas prices so high? Supply and demand. Duh!

3) Is love truly all we need? Be serious, Wolfe Blitzer.

4) What's your opinion on this disaster? I blame the sun.

5) Can we send our limo to pick you up? A helicopter would be faster.

6) The camera loves you, Mike! What's your secret? Lots of water.

Shockingly, outside of the realm of the news media and bloggers who might consider linking to my website (subtle hint), I am asked many questions by Doe-Nuts the world over, and occasionally by No-Doe-Nuts. These FAQs include:

1) Are you talking to me? No hablo ingles.

2) Can I buy you a drink? YES!

3) If I buy you a drink, will you stop looking at me? Make it a double!

4) Why is your head so large? Deep thoughts.

5) Are you unemployed? It's noon. I'm at a bar. What do you think?

6) Why no job? It's noon. I'm at a bar. What do you think?

7) What hotel are you staying at? You mean motel.

8) Is that real? That's what they tell me.